Humor Additions for May 4th 2005

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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 More totally useless things to know
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
  • A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
  • There are more chickens than people in the world.
  • Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
  • The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
  • All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
  • "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
  • All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
  • Almonds are members of the peach family.
  • Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
  • Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
  • There are only five words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, Timidous, and hazardous.
  • Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  • In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
  • Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  • The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
  • When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".
  • A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
  • A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
  • It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
  • The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
  • Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
  • In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
  • The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator,
    Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence "Oz."
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  • Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
  • John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
  • The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
  • There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
  • Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
  • Typewriter is the only ten letter word you can type on the top row of your keyboard.

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New definitions for everyday medical terms
  • Benign: What you be after you be eight
  • Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
  • Barium: What you do with dead folks
  • Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
  • Catscan: Searching for the cat
  • Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
  • Colic: A sheep dog
  • Coma: A punctuation mark
  • D&C: Where Washington is
  • Dilate: To live longer than your kids do
  • Enema: Not a friend
  • Fester: Quicker than someone else
  • Fibula: A small lie
  • G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball
  • Hangnail: What you hang your coat on
  • Impotent: Distinguished, well known
  • Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work
  • Morbid: A higher offer than I bid
  • Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
  • Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake
  • Node: I knew it:
  • Outpatient: A person who has fainted
  • Pap Smear: A fatherhood test
  • Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
  • Post Operative: A letter carrier
  • Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
  • Secretion: Hiding something
  • Tablet: A small table to change babies on
  • Seizure: Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
  • Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the train station
  • Tumor: More than one
  • Urine: Opposite of mine
  • Varicose: Near by
  • Hospital: The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Valley Girl Mother 911 call

Obviously this Valley Girl mother never heard of the saying 'God helps them who helps themselves."  Frankly the 911 operators was way to kind ... I would have told her to get a life ...

Download audio file 2.3mgs

Submitted by Peter, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

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This photograph shows a red Doberman kissing an exhausted fireman ...

He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire. She is pregnant. The firefighter was afraid of her at first, because he had never been around a Doberman before. When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest. A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed this red Doberman in the distance looking at the fireman. He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do. As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, when the photographer snapped this photograph.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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April 29th Humor Page