Humor Additions for June 24th 2005


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Thirty Lines to Make You Smile
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
  • Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
  • Procrastinate Now!
  • I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
  • I smile because I don't know what is going on.

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Things not to say to your farrier ... take 2
  • All it takes to be a farrier is a strong back and a weak mind!
  • He wonít stand for me either, but your ad said you were a professional
  • Can you come back? We are home now.
  • Let me get my twitch before we get started.
  • These shoes have been on for only 12 weeks, and they are getting loose.
  • Sooo, when youíre finished, do I have to wait an hour before I can ride him/her?
  • My horse hates men.
  • Yep, I put that stuff on their feet right before you got here.
  • Every time we turn him out he throws a shoe.
  • That donít look that hard!
  • Isnít it great to be outside all day?
  • Let me call my neighbors and their 5 kids. They have never seen a horse shod before.
  • It sure is HOT!
  • I used to shoe, and I can tell right away if youíre doing a good job.
  • Do those nails hurt him?
  • Heís normally gentle as a kitten, but it is the first time I have had a halter on him.
  • Honestly, I DO clean his feet
  • I havenít ever picked up his feet, but he seems real gentle.
  • Can you put these shoes on good and tight so that they wonít come off?
  • My vet said for you to call him and he will tell you how to shoe my horse.
  • He kicked the last farrier just like he kicked you.
  • Heís never been that bad!! What did you do?
  • The last guy I had wonít come any more. Can you come today?
  • I left them out in the field because it was such a nice day.
  • So, how much does your chiropractor run you a month?
  • Sorry - thatís my cell phone. I wonít let it ring under this coltís nose again.
  • He never does that for me.
  • My horse doesnít kick. ...well he has never kicked before.
  • Are you busy TODAY?
  • Can you make his foot smaller?
  • This is the first time he has EVER lost a shoe.
  • Since heís a colt, will you charge me half price?
  • I used to shoe my own horses, but I could never get the angles right. Do you think you could take a little more off that back foot?
  • My horse is lame. You must have cut him too short.
  • Let me help you clear out a place to work, Iíve been meaning to get out here and straighten up this old barn...
  • Thatís not the way the farrier did it back where I come from.
  • Can you save all the hoof trimmings for my dog?
  • Boy, you must have a strong back to bend over all day like that.
  • Heís just trying to swat the flies off you.

Read things not to say to your farrier ... take 1

Submitted by 'Blacksmith' Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Learn to dance like a white man video (2.2megs)

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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June 22nd Humor Page