Humor Selections for December 9, 2005

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Memo from Santa Claus:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

  1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
  2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
  3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
  4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
  5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
  6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
  7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
  8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
  9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to, "Dr's Smith & Jones, Hysterias and Posteriors.

"This was not acceptable, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.

They tried, "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then, "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

At their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: " Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.", - acceptable.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Restroom words of wisdom
  • Schizophrenia beats being alone.
  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  • You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
  • You will learn a lot today.
  • A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
  • Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh
  • Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
  • All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
  • Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
  • I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
  • I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words. But it uses up a thousand times the memory
  • The Meek shall inherit the earth.. ...after we're through with it.
  • If a thing is worth doing, It would have been done already
  • Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.
  • Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
  • The buck doesn't even slow down here. So keep on going.
  • Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
  • How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
  • Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
  • Jesus loves you It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
  • When blondes have more fun do they know it?
  • Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
  • Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
  • Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
  • Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
  • My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat
  • Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?

Submitted by Dave. Bolder, Co.  

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Politically Correct Redneck Christmas ... Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.


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Dec 5th Humor Page