Humor Additions for June 30th, 2004

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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful and prospered ...

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house ."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

Submitted by Sister Wink, The Bronx, Ny.

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How to keep a level of insanity
  • At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  • Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super sized.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
  • Don't use punctuation
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
  • Put mosquito netting around your work area & play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  • Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, rock hard.
  • When the money comes out of the atm, scream "I won, I won! 3rd time this week!!!!!"
  • When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
  • Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
  • And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven ...

As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Who's clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Things one should never say to a blacksmith ...
  • If you will just give each of the dogs a piece of hoof they will get out from under the horse and quit fighting.
  • As much as you charge, I should get to use that truck too.
  • If you get that done in 30 minutes, youíll be making $160. per hour.
  • Thatís not the way they did it on that horseshoeing show.
  • I see who makes all the money in horses farriers!
  • My last farrier couldnít finish they gave me your name and number.
  • You donít mind if I feed the other horses, do you?
  • Are you sure you have them on the correct foot?
  • If he didnít kick like that, Iíd trim him myself.
  • Would you mind trimming my new BLM mustang?
  • Can we shoe him in the arena? If he rears in the barn, he hits his head.
  • You sure earned your money on that one!
  • I forgot you were coming; I just turned all the horses out.
  • Can you make it after six, or on Sunday, I have to work.
  • I just cannot believe that he bit you.
  • I read all about the "Natural Way" to trim on the internet, and youíre supposed to...
  • Did that hurt?
  • I know that he is difficult to shoe, but he is so good on the trails.
  • It doesnít look like heís leaning from here.
  • Good morning glad youíre here can we reschedule? I have a lot going on today.
  • Itís so cool that he can "balance" on just two feet.
  • Can you shoe him so that he doesnít paw?
  • Donít tell my husband that I used the grocery money.
  • Most times when he kicks, he misses!
  • Just do the hinds Iíll do the the fronts.
  • I left the checkbook in the car, and my wife/husband just left can you bill me?
  • Iím sure glad you donít mind working on muddy feet.
  • Does it mean my horses have some sort of deficiency when they chew the paint off your truck like that?
  • This horse does forge, also interferes, and sometimes hits his knees.... we need to keep the price down on this bill.
  • I got a bargain on these shoes at a rummage sale, could you use them instead and save me some money?
  • Oops! Wrong horse.
  • I know I said just a trim, but can we shoe Ďem as well?
  • My weanling colt needs a trim, and I figured you could halter break him at the same time.
  • Iíve got a new horse whose feet are in pretty bad shape. The previous owners said their farrier wouldnít work on him.
  • I know itís been a long day for you; thatís why I saved the worst one for last.
  • If my other farrierís ribs werenít broken, heíd be able to get shoes on this horse.
  • Itís a good thing youíre slow today, or heíd have had shoes on when he kicked your truck.
  • My grandpa used to shoe horses like you, only he used a sledge and a corn knife.
  • I donít understand why the shoes didnít stay on. I just had them done 12 weeks ago.

Submitted by 'Blacksmith' Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Depending upon if your a cat or dog person, the caption should read: 'extreme self-confidence' or 'extreme self-obedience' ...

June 25th Humor Page