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A blonde began a
job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day during
recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a
playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer
at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all
right. The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the
same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered,
"Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are
you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"
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A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie
....
... She doesn't know which one
to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is
standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir ...
can you
tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter
I can tell you about it."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He
said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a
10-lb test line....
It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm
looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to
get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then
realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because
being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is
$3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping
Wal-Mart."
Submitted by Debbie,
Middletown, Md.
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Horace the Horse.
When Grandpa bought the property on Cross Street there was a
boarding house and a vacant lot, with barn. Grandpa would be gone
3 weeks at a time, down-the-bay for a set of tides. When he came
up from down-the-bay the grass in the vacant lot would be head
high. So, Grandpa bought a horse to keep the grass down. The old
horse was named, Horace. Grandpa put Hoarse in the lot and went
down-the-bay. When he returned Ole Horace was laying by the barn,
his stomach was twice it’s normal size. Grandpa did not know much
about horses, but he did know Ole Horace was in bad trouble. Punta
Gorda did not have a veterinarian, but did have a MD, Dr. Blunt
who had some animal experience. At one time he lived on Boca
Grande and gave cholera shots to pigs and goats on Cayo Costa.
Grandpa walked up the street to see Dr. Blunt, who was always in
the bar this time of day. They had a few drinks and talked about
local news, then Horase the Horse. Dr. Blunt said that he would
meet Grandpa in about an hour. Dr. Blunt left for home to get the
medicine. Grandpa stayed at the bar.
It was another, “dark and stormy night”. Daddy who had been
watching Horace thought Grandpa would never come back. Ole Horace
was getting bigger by the minute. Finally both Dr. Blunt and
Grandpa showed up. It was dark so Daddy had lit a kerosene
lantern. Dr. Blunt and Grandpa had a few more drinks and discussed
Horace. Too much green hay. The hay had fermented and Horace was
constipated. They had to get the medicine into Horase to break the
vacuum. The only way was through the rectum. Dr. Blunt had brought
the medicine and put it on the shelf. He asked Grandpa if he had a
funnel, Grandpa said, “no, but I have a boat horn.” They get the
horn ready. Dr. Blunt asked Daddy for the medicine and Dr. Blunt
poured into the boat horn. Within seconds the horn is sucked into
Horace. His eyes start to roll and his head and legs jerk. Dr.
Blunt takes a closer look at the medicine bottle. He said, “this
is kerosene.”! Daddy had given Dr. Blunt the wrong bottle. Later
Daddy said,” you know it was dark with nothing but a kerosene
lanternbe, side both medicine and kerosene were old whiskey
bottles”.
By now Horace is going crazy. The gas in Horace’s stomach starts
going through the horn. Horace is now on his feet and running. The
barn door is open and Horace is gone into the night, the horn
blasting. Daddy says,” you could hear the boat horn all night
long, both long and short blast. Every drawbridge in South West
Florida was going up and down all night”.
Horace made it back home in a couple of days. He was fine, but
tired.Submitted by
Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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July
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