Humor Additions for July 9th, 2004

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A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. 

One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

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A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie ....

... She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir ... can you
tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line....

It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Horace the Horse.

When Grandpa bought the property on Cross Street there was a boarding house and a vacant lot, with barn. Grandpa would be gone 3 weeks at a time, down-the-bay for a set of tides. When he came up from down-the-bay the grass in the vacant lot would be head high. So, Grandpa bought a horse to keep the grass down. The old horse was named, Horace. Grandpa put Hoarse in the lot and went down-the-bay. When he returned Ole Horace was laying by the barn, his stomach was twice it’s normal size. Grandpa did not know much about horses, but he did know Ole Horace was in bad trouble. Punta Gorda did not have a veterinarian, but did have a MD, Dr. Blunt who had some animal experience. At one time he lived on Boca Grande and gave cholera shots to pigs and goats on Cayo Costa.

Grandpa walked up the street to see Dr. Blunt, who was always in the bar this time of day. They had a few drinks and talked about local news, then Horase the Horse. Dr. Blunt said that he would meet Grandpa in about an hour. Dr. Blunt left for home to get the medicine. Grandpa stayed at the bar.

It was another, “dark and stormy night”. Daddy who had been watching Horace thought Grandpa would never come back. Ole Horace was getting bigger by the minute. Finally both Dr. Blunt and Grandpa showed up. It was dark so Daddy had lit a kerosene lantern. Dr. Blunt and Grandpa had a few more drinks and discussed Horace. Too much green hay. The hay had fermented and Horace was constipated. They had to get the medicine into Horase to break the vacuum. The only way was through the rectum. Dr. Blunt had brought the medicine and put it on the shelf. He asked Grandpa if he had a funnel, Grandpa said, “no, but I have a boat horn.” They get the horn ready. Dr. Blunt asked Daddy for the medicine and Dr. Blunt poured into the boat horn. Within seconds the horn is sucked into Horace. His eyes start to roll and his head and legs jerk. Dr. Blunt takes a closer look at the medicine bottle. He said, “this is kerosene.”! Daddy had given Dr. Blunt the wrong bottle. Later Daddy said,” you know it was dark with nothing but a kerosene lanternbe, side both medicine and kerosene were old whiskey bottles”.

By now Horace is going crazy. The gas in Horace’s stomach starts going through the horn. Horace is now on his feet and running. The barn door is open and Horace is gone into the night, the horn blasting. Daddy says,” you could hear the boat horn all night long, both long and short blast. Every drawbridge in South West Florida was going up and down all night”.

Horace made it back home in a couple of days. He was fine, but tired.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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