Humor Additions for July 7th, 2004

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The ten Commandments of married life 
  • Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
  • Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  • Commandment 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
  • Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  • Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
  • Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
  • Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
  • Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
  • Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That's why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.
  • Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished....

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD.

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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'

The man replied, '150.' So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'

The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.

The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'

The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.'

The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Bush again?'

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Submitted by Cathy, Emmitsburg, Md.

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