Humor Additions for February 20th, 2004

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The Pastor was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going ask the congregation ...

... to come up with money for the repairs of their church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here’s a copy of the service" he said impatiently, "but you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, ”Brothers & Sisters, we are in great difficulty, the repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need more. Any of you who can pledge $1000 or more, please stand up.

At that moment, the substitute played, “The Star Spangled Banner”

The substitute immediately became became the regular organist!

Submitted by Elaine, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Reasons Riding is Better Than Sex

  • You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.
  • If you are having trouble with riding, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
  • The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.
  • If your trainer takes pictures or videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
  • Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've ridden.
  • It's perfectly respectable to ride a horse you've never met before, just once, or, ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or not.
  • When you see a really good horse, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining riding him.
  • If your regular horse isn't available, he/she won't object if you ride another horse.
  • Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.
  • When dealing with a riding trainer, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
  • You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy riding stuff.
  • You can have a riding calendar on your wall at the office, tell riding jokes and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for harassment.
  • There's no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.
  • If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel (but you might need a video tape).
  • You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of riding.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Random one-liners

  • What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
  • What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
  • Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
  • What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
  • What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
  • Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Why Men Shouldn't Baby-sit . ..

Feb 18th Humor Page