Humor Additions for February 118th, 2004

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Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? ..

Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbot: Mac?
Costello: No, the name's Lou

Abbot: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbot: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name's Lou

Abbot: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Abbot: Do you want a computer with windows?
Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

Abbot: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbot: Software for windows
Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

Abbot: Office
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbot: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?

Abbot: Recommend something?
Costello: You recommended something?

Abbot: Yes.
Costello: For my office?

Abbot: Yes
Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbot: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbot: I recommend Office with Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbot: Word. Costello: what word?
Abbot: Word in Office.

Costello: the only word in office is office.
Abbot: the Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: which word in office for windows?
Abbot: the word you get when you click the blue W

Costello: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?
Abbot: Sure, Money.

Costello: that's right. What do you have?
Abbot: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbot: it comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: what's bundled with my computer?
Abbot: Money

Costello: money comes with my computer?
Abbot: yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Abbot: one copy

Costello: isn't it illegal to copy money?
Abbot: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

Costello: they can give you a license to copy money?
Abbot: why not, they own it.

Submitted by John, Upton, Long Island

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An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her ca ,..

...found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice: " I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why .

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (ah, senior moments...)

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, MD.

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Handy Engineering Conversion
  • Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
  • 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
  • Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
  • 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
  • Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
  • 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
  • Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
  • Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
  • 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
  • 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
  • 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
  • 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
  • 10 cards: 1 decacards
  • 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
  • 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
  • 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
  • 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
  • 10 rations: 1 decoration
  • 100 rations: 1 C-ration
  • 2 monograms: 1 diagram
  • 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
  • 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
  • 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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