Humor Additions for Wednesday, May 21st

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Two nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an out-patient.

On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help.

The nuns explained they needed some gas.

The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it.

He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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New Rules for Employment
  • Sickness & Related Leave: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
  • Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you will need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
  • Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work in done enough.
  • Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
  • Restroom Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve, in writing, this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract and the stall door will open.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week. The management

Submitted by Dr. Patty, Ringos, NJ

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 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West ...

He slides up to the bar and announce "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  • Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby, discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

    "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. 

    Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  •  These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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May 19th Humor Page