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Two nuns who were nursing sisters had gone
out to the country to minister to an out-patient.
On the way back they were a few miles from
home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car
on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress,
the driver stopped to offer his help.
The nuns explained they needed some gas.
The driver of the truck said he would
gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or
can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and
asked the driver if he could use it.
He said yes, and proceeded to drain a
couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the
nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the
precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came
by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a
minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I
sure do admire your faith!"
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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New Rules for Employment
- Sickness & Related Leave: We
will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
- Surgery: Operations are now
banned. As long as you are an employee here, you will need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired
you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
- Bereavement Leave: This is no
excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work in done enough.
- Your Own Death: This will be
accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
- Restroom Use: Entirely too
much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from
8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from
8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted
time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap
their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must
approve, in writing, this exchange. In addition, there is now a
strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract
and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our
company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week. The management
Submitted by Dr. Patty, Ringos,
NJ
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A three-legged dog walks
into a saloon in the Old West ...
He slides up to the bar and
announce "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- Two boll weevils grew up in
South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much.
The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it,
too.
- Did you hear about the
Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to
transcend dental medication.
- A group of chess enthusiasts
checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby, discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
- A woman has twins and gives
them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and
is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."
- These friars were behind
on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop
to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men
of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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May
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