Humor Additions for Monday, May 19th

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A Blonde planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing ...

She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while, when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof.

Startled, she did have time to pull on her suit and since she was lying on her stomach, She just just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday".

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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How to Stay Young  (George Carlin)
  • Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
  • Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
  • Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
  • Enjoy the simple things.
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
  • Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  •  Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  •  Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
  • Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

And always remember: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.

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Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...
  • I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
  • When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  • All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  • Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  • A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
  • It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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