Humor Additions for Monday, Feb 10th

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The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, DC travel agent of 30+ years:
  • I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
  • I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).
  • A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
  • I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
  • An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
  • An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
  • A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  • A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
  • I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
  • A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
  • A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
  • A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
    Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA

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An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand...

and leading a bull in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, then he turns and shoots the bull and just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and is leading another bull in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, shoot the bull, and disappear for rest of the day."

Submitted by Vicki, Downtown, PA 

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A nun was going to Chicago...

She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune, so she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, put a nickel in and out came a card that said. "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you're going to Chicago." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself, it probably tells everyone the same thing, but she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in and out came a card. This time the card said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds ,you're going to Chicago, you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to her self, "I know that's wrong, I've never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came in and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible, I've got to try this again!"

Back to the machine, put her nickel in and out came the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now the nun knows the machine is wrong, "I've never broken wind in my life," Well as she stepped off the machine she tripped and fell and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down, looked at the machine, and said to herself, "This is unbelievable! I've got to try this again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. The card said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD

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Redneck Millionaire...

Feb 5th Humor Page