Humor Additions for Friday, August 15th

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Humorous reflections on life by noted personalities  ...
  • I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)
  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
  • Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
  • What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mightyscarce. (Mark Twain)
  • By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
  • Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
  • The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
  • I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
  • Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
  • Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan) 
  • I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
  • Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
  • I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
  • At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)
  • Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
  • The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
  • I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
  • A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
  • I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)
  • It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)
  • Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words. (Woody Allen)
  • If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
  • (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
  • Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)
  • If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)
  • Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)
  • Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain)

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Recently seen saying on tee shirts ...
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
  • I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Beer Drinking Troubleshooting Guide ...
Symptom Likely Cause Corrective Action

Feet cold and wet Glass being held at incorrect angle Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Beer unusually pale and tasteless Glass empty Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth
Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on somebody cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer
Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Optical Illusions take 2 - Count the black dots


August 13th Humor Page