Humor Additions for Friday, May 31

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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
  • Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • Why is a boxing ring square?
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
  • Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.

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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as Bill Clinton appeared on the television.

After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man said.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa

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Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that ...

... the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa

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Back to May 29 Humor Page