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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Tee Shirt Witticisms (Part 1)
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
  • I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.
  • God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Ass holes!
  • Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
  • Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
  • Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
  • Procrastinate Now

Submitted by My Little Sister ...

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"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levi's, (I had to wear Corduroys that ate the insides of my legs off, but that's all we could afford), set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). You knew the name of the bus driver on your route to downtown - ours was Tommy Thompson, a WW2 vet.

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15 and I let it roll down the hill until it came to rest at the base of a Catalpa tree. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. Bread and rolls came from the Omar man. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week even when the snow was 18" deep. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4:00 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My very best customers were the ones who gave me $1.00 as a Christmas tip. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day and you had to go back and back and back. These customers never gave you a Christmas tip.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Submitted by Marianna, Columbia, Md.

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