Humor Additions for Friday, July 26


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An County Deputy pulled a speeding car over.

When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car , opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, thereís no way on earth Iím going to pass that test."

Submitted By Andy, Gettysburg, PA.
 

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Quotations from women about women ...
  • The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73) .
  • I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
  • Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
  • You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. - Geri Jewell-
  • A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow-
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
  • My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
  • Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
  • A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
  • The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Sellman
  • Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
  • Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
  • Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
  • I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine Aird
  • When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb . and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
  • You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
  • If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
  • I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
  • I think---therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead
  • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
  • Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
  • In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
  • I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
  • I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. - Marie Corelli
  • If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
  • I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -E leanor Roosevelt
  • Send this to five bright women you know and make their day. The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart. - St. Jerome

Submitted by Marianna, Columbia, Md.
 

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A group of blondes in a class were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb man engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

Submitted by John, Long Island, NY.
 

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