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A team of archaeologists excavating in Israel came upon a cave. 

Written across the cave wall were the following symbols, in this order of appearance from left to right: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

It was considered a unique find, and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society summarized findings and pointed at the first symbol. "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, 'Holy Mackerel! Dig the ass on that woman!'"

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A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester ...

... he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Recently at the Univ. of South Carolina, students in the psychology program ...

... were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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