Humor Additions for Friday, May 4th, 2001

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The Pope was on his way to a very important meeting in New York and was running late.

He told the limo driver to go a little faster.

The driver replied, "I'm going the speed limit."

The Pope kept repeatedly asking the driver to speed up, to no avail. Finally, the Pope told the driver, "Pull over and let me drive." Of course the guy had to agree as this was the Pope and you can't say no to the Pope.

So the Pope is driving now and going about 90 mph, swerving in and out of traffic, running red lights when he is pulled over by the police.

The cop takes one look in the car and says, "Excuse me a minute," and makes a call to his captain. He says, "Captain, I got a problem, I pulled this guy over and I don't know if I should give him a ticket."

The captain asks, "Does he deserve a ticket?"

The cop says," Yeah he's a horrible driver!"

The captain, "Is he important?"

The cop, "Yeah, I'D say."

The captain, "More important than the mayor?"

The Cop, "Yeah, he is."

Captain, "More important than the governor?"

The cop, "Yep"

Captain, "How about the president? He couldn't be more important than him."

Cop, "I think he is."

Captain, "Just who is this guy?"

Cop, "I'm not sure but he's got to be really important. The Pope is his chauffeur!"

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, MD.

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Think you know everything?

  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar
  • The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
  • A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes
  • There are more chickens than people in the world.
  • Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey
  • The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
  • On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the parliament building is an American flag.
  • All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
  • "Dreamt" is the only English word that end in the letters: mt
  • All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
  • Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  • Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
  • Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable
  • There are only four words in the English language, which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
  • Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senorala Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".
  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur
  • In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
  • Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life."
  • A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  • A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
  • The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
  • In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket
  • Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
  • The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
  • There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
  • "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Submitted by Jean, Spokane, Wa.

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Gun Refresher Course

  • An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
  • A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
  • Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
  • Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
  • If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
  • If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
  • Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
  • If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
  • Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
  • The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved.
  • What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand.
  • The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
  • 64,999,987 firearm owners killed no one yesterday.
  • Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
  • Know guns, Know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
  • You don't shoot to kill; You shoot to stay alive.
  • 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
  • Assault is a behavior, not a device.
  • Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
  • If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
  • Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens try to control them.
  • You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
  • Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
  • When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
  • The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.

"....a government by the people, for the people....."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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