You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When:

• You answer the door before people knock.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
• You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named "Joe".
• You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirs.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.

Submitted by My Little Brother Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

What Men Expect in a Wife

• She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
• She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
• She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
• Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
• She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
• She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
• She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
• Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
• She will hate charge cards.
• Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
• She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
• She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
• She will love you because you're so sexy.

What Men Get in a Wife

• She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
• She was once a model for a totem pole.
• Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
• She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
• She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
• No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
• If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you

Submitted by Wendy, Tipztime.com
  

Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. 

They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.

To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.

The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree,

across the green and right into the hole...

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.
 

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride . . .

. . . Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, how was'a da treep?"

Luigi replied, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip.

All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket. The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, "No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car."

So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car."

So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car". We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling real'a loud, "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.