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A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors ...

... but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, " What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant? "

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, " Does she still have the hiccups?"  

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A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.

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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out  ...

... during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he opened his laptop and sent his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her email address and sent the e-mail to the wrong address, without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. Hearing the crash, the widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother, and read the e-mail still on the screen.

To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

Submitted by John, Fairfax, Va.

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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural street. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up ...

... at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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The coach of the  Giants got wind of a potential new young recruit who lived in Iraq ....

The team owner and the Giants recruiting Manager catch a plane to war-torn Baghdad and track the young boy down. They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to the USA.

The boy does a full pre-season, plays in all the practice games and earns the position of backup quarterback for the season's first game.

Ten minutes into the first quarter, the Giants quarterback goes down with a severe knee injury. The teams coach turns to the boy and says, "This is it son, show us what you can do."

The boy proceeds have the greatest NFL debut game in the history of backup quarterbacks.

The Giants team carry him off the field and give him three cheers back in the locker room. The coach tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and that he is a model lesson for all. The coach then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son. Telephone your Mother and tell her what you did today."

He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says, "Guess what I did today?"

"I don't care what you did today!" his Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today," she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car was blown up, your sister was raped and your brother was abducted."

"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."

The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have moved to New Jersey!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something ...

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate ...
  • ...After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
  • In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high (70,000 ft!). We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed." "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty". There was another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, how is 1,742 knots". No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
  • In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?" The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it." He was cleared.
  • One jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, " The dreaded Seven-Engine approach."
  • "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
  • Pilot on Radio: "Tower, we are approaching the runway and we are leveling off at 3,000 feet. Voice breaks in on Radio: "Wait, you can't level off at 3,000 feet, I am at 3,000 ft." Pilot on Radio: "You idiot, you're my co-pilot"

Submitted by Don, Middletown, Md.

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A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday&which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected." The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for-sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us-what you said to them when they answered the door!"-"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible-f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to-y-y-you?

Submitted by Dr. Patty, Ringos, NJ.

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but! I couldn't help wondering...why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Maryland. They're still too wet to burn."

Submitted by Jessica, Jarrettsville, MD

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A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do. She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate, and thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "thank you so much .... You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud..... "Thank you god for sending me a professional!"

Submitted by Sister Wink, Yonkers, NY

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A wise old farmer went to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised for a certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, He paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow ...

  • Basic Cow - $500.00
  • Two tone exterior - $45.00
  • Extra stomach - $75.00
  • Product storing equipment - $60.00
  • Straw compartment - $120.00
  • 4 Spigots @ - $10 ea - $40.00
  • Leather upholstery .- $125.00
  • Dual horns - $45.00
  • Automatic fly swatter - $38.00
  • Fertilizer attachment - $185.00

Grand Total - $1,233.00

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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More actual classified ads in newspapers ...
  • Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
  • Free puppies...part German shepherd - part dog
  • Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.
  • 83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000
  • Star wars job of the hut -- $15
  • Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
  • German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
  • Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
  • For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
  • Nordic track $300 hardly used. Call Chubbie
  • Bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products"
  • Shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks
  • Hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
  • Harrisburg postal employees gun club
  • Georgia peaches- California grown - 89 cents lb.
  • Nice parachute: never opened - used once - slightly stained
  • Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
  • American flag - 60 stars - pole included $100
  • Tired of working for only $9.75/ hour? We offer profit sharing & flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9/hour.
  • Notice: to the person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near Southbridge storage: please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
  • Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box springs-$175.
  • Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
  • Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
  • Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
  • Gas cloud clears out taco bell.
  • Open house - body shapers toning salon- free coffee & donuts
  • Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb

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A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an out-patient.

On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help.

The nuns explained they needed some gas.

The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it.

He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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There was a man who had worked all of his life...

...and had saved all of his money.

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, " Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait A Minute!"

She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, " Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Visitor's Day at the Lunatic Asylum

It was visitor's day at the asylum. All inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria". They were singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the choir.

"I am a retired choir director" he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor............

"They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir!".

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Eternal Truths
  • Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
  • I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
  • If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • If the shoe it in every color.
  • If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Some days are a total waste of makeup.
  • Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  • Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
  • Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you've been up to.

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For all you Lexiophiles (lovers of words)
  • A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
  • What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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