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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.

He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Halloween Safety Tips ...

If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe (in other words, not dead).

  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
  • If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, "Let's split up."
  • As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It's just not that fun.
  • Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
  • If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE ANYWAY!
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
  • Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
  • Don't fool with recombining DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
  • If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
  • If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
  • Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights!
  • Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
  • Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

Submitted by Don, Middletown, MD.

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A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid was hiding under the bed. I Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Submitted by Dolly, Myersville, MD.

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Make sure you know the lingo this Halloween ...
  • Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
  • Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
  • Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
  • Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
  • Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
  • Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
  • Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
  • Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
  • Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
  • Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
  • Skeleton: Any supermodel.
  • Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
  • Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
  • Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.

Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I repeat, Do not talk to my Parrot!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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A preacher was walking along a street when he noticed a small boy sitting on the curb.

The boy had a bottle of liquid and seemed fascinated with it. The preacher was curious as to what was in the bottle, so he asked the boy what was in the bottle?

The little boy looked up to the preacher and says "Preacher, what I have here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This is a bottle of turpentine!"

The preacher smiled and shook his head and said "No, no my child, you are wrong. The most powerful liquid in the world is Holy water, for if you would rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy!"

The little boy just grinned and replied "Damn preacher, that ain't nothing. If you was to rub a little of this turpentine on a cat's ass, it will PASS a motorcycle!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love."

It offered advice to grandparents with respect to misbehaving grandchildren those whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating the technique I employ on my grandson when he just won't behave. They do not allow me to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.


Tough Love Grandma


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