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For all you Lexiophiles (lovers of words)
  • A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 
  • What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
  • She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • Every calendar's days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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A guy comes into a coffee shop & places his order...

He says "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights."

"What does he think, this is an auto parts store".

"No" the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up".

"Oh" says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires & headlights, that you might want to gas up".

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Golden Books That Never Made It
  • You Are Different And That's Bad
  • The Boy Who Died - From Eating All His Vegetables
  • Dad's New Wife Robert
  • Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
  • Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
  • The Little Sissy Who Snitched
  • Some Kittens Can Fly
  • That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
  • The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
  • Strangers Have The Best Candy
  • You Were an Accident
  • Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
  • Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
  • The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
  • Your Nightmares Are Real
  • Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
  • Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
  • Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

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In a city park stood two beautiful statues...

one female and the other male, both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you...

I grant you the gift of life ~ albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."

And with that command, the two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush.

The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.

Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

"Oh, Yes!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and 'I'll crap on it's head!"

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What the Doctor Says vs. What He Really Means:
  • "This should be taken care of right away."
    This is easy and profitable so I want to fix it before it cures itself
  • "Welllllll, what have we here..."
    I don't have any idea what it is, and hope you'll give me a clue
  • "We'll see."
    First I have to check my malpractice insurance
  • "Let me check your medical history."
    I want to see if you're paid up before spending any more time with you
  • "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of my time
  • "I have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news: I get a new BMW. The bad news: You're going to pay for it.
  • "Let's see how it develops."
    Maybe in a few days it will turn into something that can be cured
  • "Let me schedule you for some tests."
    I have a forty percent interest in the lab
  • "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
    I hate those guys horning in on our fees
  • "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
    I haven't the faintest idea what to do. Maybe the Nurse will interrupt
  • "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
    He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune
  • "How are we today?"
    I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell
  • "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
    I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself
  • "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
    I think I'm going to throw up
  • "This may hurt a little."
    Last week two patients bit through their tongues
  • "This should fix you up."
    The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
  • "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig
  • "Everything seems to be normal."
    I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all
  • "I'd like to run some more tests."
    I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
  • "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves ?"
    I'm hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees
  • "If those symptoms persist, call for another appointment."
    I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
  • "There is a lot of that going around."
    My God, that's the third one this week... I'd better learn something about this

Submitted by Jaime, Frederick, Md.

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Do you remember a time when...........
  • Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
  • Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
  • "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
  • Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
  • It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
  • The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
  • Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
  • A foot of snow was a dream come Saturday
  • Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30_minute commercials for action figures?
  • "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
  • Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
  • The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
  • War was a card game?
  • Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
  • Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
  • Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road...

...when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown

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A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral – I'm a gynecologist,"

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

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The Newest Medications For Women

  • Damitol -Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
  • St. Mom’s Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering her children unconscious for up to six hours.
  • Emptynestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
  • Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women...2 full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
  • Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of "blondie type activities."
  • Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
  • Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women...Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person can we get naked now?"
  • Buy-agra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping...Increases potency and duration of spending spree
  • Buy-one-al - When combined with Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
  • Jackasspirin - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
  • Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
  • Sexcedrin - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
  • Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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The Washington Post holds a contest to find alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

  • Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
  • Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  • Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
  • Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
  • Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  • Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
  • Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  • Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  • Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
  • Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  • Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
  • Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
  • Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
  • Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A little old lady goes to the doctor ...

... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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Two African doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I am telling you it is whooom, w-h-o-o-o-m.”

The second doctor contradicts “And I am telling you, you are wrong it is definitely wooomh, w-o-o-o-m-h.”

A young nurse passing overhears, and being new on the job and keen to impress decides to intervene. “Excuse me doctors, but I can help. The word you are looking for is womb, w-o-m-b.

She walks on down the corridor feeling pleased with herself.

The first doctor turns to the second and says “Ignore her, she doesn’t know what she is talking about. I bet she has never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart under water.”

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa

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A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.  The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Valentine card sayings: Entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

  • I thought that I could love no other
    Until, that is, I met your brother
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
  • Of loving beauty you float with grace
    If only you could hide your face
  • Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
    This describes everything you're not
  • I want to feel your sweet embrace
    But don't take that paper bag off your face
  • I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
  • My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my entire life

  • I see your face when I am dreaming
    That's why I always wake up screaming
  • My love you take my breath away
    What have you stepped in to smell this way
  • My feelings for you no words can tell
    Except for maybe "go to hell"
  • What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A nun was going to Chicago...

She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune, so she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, put a nickel in and out came a card that said. "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you're going to Chicago." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself, it probably tells everyone the same thing, but she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in and out came a card. This time the card said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds ,you're going to Chicago, you're going to play a fiddle." The nun said to her self, "I know that's wrong, I've never played a musical instrument in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came in and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible, I've got to try this again!"

Back to the machine, put her nickel in and out came the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago and you're going to break wind." Now the nun knows the machine is wrong, "I've never broken wind in my life," Well as she stepped off the machine she tripped and fell and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down, looked at the machine, and said to herself, "This is unbelievable! I've got to try this again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. The card said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, MD

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