Humor Selections for May 18th, 2011

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Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Submitted by Debbie, Proud Wife of Paul, Middletown, Md.

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Spotted in a toilet of a London office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below ...
  • In a Birmingham department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
  • In a Norwich office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back Or further steps will be taken.
  • In an Swindon office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on The draining board.
  • Outside a Chester secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring Your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
  • Notice in Cambridge health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
  • In a Leicester laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the Light Goes out.
  • Spotted in a Longleat safari park: Elephants! Please stay in your car.
  • Seen during a Blackpool conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on The first floor.
  • Notice in a field in Wiltshire: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull Charges.
  • Message on a leaflet in reading: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  • On a repair shop door in Newcastle-on-Tyne: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell Doesn't work.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.

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A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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A Blonde planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing ...

She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while, when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof.

Startled, she did have time to pull on her suit and since she was lying on her stomach, She just just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday".

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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How to Stay Young  (George Carlin)
  • Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
  • Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
  • Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
  • Enjoy the simple things.
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
  • Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  •  Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  •  Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
  • Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

And always remember: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.

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Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...
  • I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
  • When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  • All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  • Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  • A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
  • It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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Spiders in Pakistan

An  unexpected side-effect of the flooding in parts of Pakistan has been that millions of spiders climbed up into the trees to escape the rising flood waters.  Because of the scale of the flooding and the fact that the water has taken so long to recede, many trees have become cocooned in spiders webs. People in this part of Sindh have never seen this phenomenon before – but they also report that there are now less mosquitoes than they would expect, given the amount of stagnant, standing water that is around. It is thought that the mosquitoes are getting caught in the spiders’ webs thus reducing the risk of malaria, which would be one blessing for the people of Sindh, facing so many other hardships after the floods. UK aid – in response to the Pakistan floods – is helping millions of survivors return home and rebuild their lives.


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May 16th Humor Page