Humor Selections for July 22nd, 2011

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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Submitted by Lindsay!  Melbourne, Australia

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Terms to Know
  • Foreign film: any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
  • Optimist: girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
  • Magazine: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
  • College: the four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
  • Emergency numbers police station, fire department and places that deliver.
  • Opera: when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
  • Buffet: a french word that means "get up and get it yourself."
  • Baby-sitter: a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
  • Tattoo: permanent proof of temporary insanity.
  • Traffic light: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
  • Divorce: postgraduate in school of love.
  • Pioneer: early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
  • People: some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
  • Swimming pool: a mob of people with water in it.
  • Self-control: the ability to eat only one peanut.
  • Salesman: man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
  • Cannibal: person who likes to see other people stewed.
  • Egocentric: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Submitted by Father Paul, Narberth, Pa.

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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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George Bush, Tony Blair, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to Hell.

Upon arrival and while being checked in, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Blairs England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to Hell, so it's a local call."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Red Bull paid the biker $2 million for this stunt - Download Video

After the jump the biker said he will never do it again, not even for $10 million...

Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.

Just when you think you've seen everything ...


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