Humor Selections for April 22nd, 2011

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What ever happened to an apple for the teacher?

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Flowers.” “That’s right!” the boy said, “But, how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” the teacher said.

The next student was the candy-store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of chocolates.” “That’s right, Miss Jones, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher started to hold his package overhead, but noticed it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. Miss Jones took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Life lessons learned from a dog . . . 

How Dogs and Men Are the Same: (men keep reading, you'll get your turn)

  1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
  2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  3. Both mark their territory.
  4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
  7. Neither does any dishes.
  8. Both fart shamelessly.
  9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  10. Both like dominance games.
  11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
  12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better than Men:

  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
  4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  6. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
  7. You can train a dog.
  8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
  9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
  10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
  11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:

  1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
  2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
  3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
    A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
  5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
  6. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
  7. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
  8. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
  9. A dog does not shop.

Life lessons learned from a dog:

  1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  2. Don't go out without ID.
  3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
  4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
  7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
  8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'....I remembered where I left me hat."

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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Grandparents' Answering Machine

Hello. . . . We are not at home at the moment, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.

Beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival", so we know who it is.

  • If you need us to mind the children, press 2
  • If you want to borrow the car, press 3
  • If you want us to wash your clothes and do your ironing, press 4
  • If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
  • If you want us to pick up the kids from school, press 6
  • If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
  • If you want to come to eat here, press 8
  • If you need money, dial 9
  • If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to a show, start talking we are listening!!!"
Submitted by Cathy, Storington, England

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Interesting cooking & household tips
  • Take your bananas apart when you get home from the shop. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
  • Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold.
  • Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
  • Add a teaspoon of water when frying minced lamb or beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
  • To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of Spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream; then beat them. Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
  • Reheat Pizza - Heat leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove; set heat to med-low And heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy microwaved pizza.
  • Easy Deviled Eggs - Put cooked egg yolks into a plastic freezer bag. Mash, then add remainder of ingredients, keep mashing & mixing thoroughly. Then cut a corner from the bag and squeeze mixture into egg into the cooked egg whites. Just throw bag away when done - easy clean up.
  • Reheating frozen bread - To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were frozen, place them in A microwave next to a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
  • Newspaper weeds away - Put layers of newspaper around your plants, overlapping as you go; cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic; they will not get through wet newspapers.
  • Broken Glass - Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
  • Flexible vacuum - To vacuum dust from under the fridge, or similar narrow space, add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to the nozzle on the hose. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
  • Reducing Static Cling - Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with trousers that cling when wearing tights.
  • Measuring Cups  - Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with very hot water. Then, throw out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient (peanut butter, honey, etc.) and watch how easily it comes right away from the cup leaving very little residue.
  • Foggy Windscreen? - Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works much better than a cloth.
  • Reopening envelope - If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. It will then unseal easily.
  • Conditioner - Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it on your hair.
  • Goodbye Fruit Flies - 1/2 fill a cup with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of washing up liquid; mix well. You will find the fruit flies are drawn to this mixture and gone forever.
  • Get Rid of Ants - Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, and take it 'home'. It kills them. It may take up to a week, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Good Old Days - Download Slideshow

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Costa Rican fisherman Chito has a playful wrestle in the water with his best pal Pocho - a deadly 17ft crocodile.

The 52-year-old daredevil draws gasps of amazement from onlookers by wading chest-deep into the water, then whistling for his 980lb friend - and giving him an affectionate hug.

Chito made friends with the croc after finding him with a gunshot wound on the banks of the Central American state's Parismina river 20 years ago.  He had been shot in the left eye by a cattle farmer and was close to death.  But Chito enlisted the help of several pals to load the massive reptile into his boat.

He says: "When I found Pocho in the river he was dying, so I brought him into my house.  He was very skinny, weighing only around 150 lb. I gave him chicken and fish and medicine for six months to help him recover.  I stayed by Pocho's side while he was ill, sleeping next to him at night. I just wanted him to feel that somebody loved him, that not all humans are bad.  It meant a lot of sacrifice. I had to be there every day. I love all animals - especially ones that have suffered."

It took years before Chito felt that Pocho had bonded with him enough to get closer to the animal.

He says: "After a decade I started to work with him. At first it was slow, slow. I played with him a bit, slowly doing more."Then I found out that when I called his name he would come over to me."

At one point during his recovery, Chito left the croc in a lake near his house.. But as he turned to walk away, to his amazement Pocho got out of the water and began to follow him home.

Chito recalls: "That convinced me the crocodile could be tame." But when he first fearlessly waded into the water with the giant reptile his family was so horrified they couldn't bear to watch. So instead, he took to splashing around with Pocho when they were asleep.. Four years ago Chito showed some of his tricks to friends, including getting the animal to close his eyes on command, and they convinced him to go public with a show.  Now he swims and plays with Pocho as well as feeding him at the lake near his home in the lowland tropical town of Sarapiqui.

The odd couple have now become a major tourist attraction, with several tour operators, including Crocodile Adventures, taking visitors on touring cruises to see the pair.

On the Crocodile Adventures website it describes the spectacle as: "One of the most amazing things that no cruise ship passenger will want to miss, the adventure show between the man and the crocodile."


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