Humor Selections for June 18th, 2010

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Things you'll never hear in a western movie...
  • "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
  • "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
  • "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
  • "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
  • "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
  • "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
  • "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
  • "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
  • "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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I saw a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds...

... by our county tourist board. Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads:

Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation! It's got everything... Sand for the children, fishing galore for Dad, sun for the wife, and plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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"You Know You're Too Stressed If."
  • relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
  • you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
  • you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • the Sun is too loud.
  • trees begin chasing you.
  • you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  • you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
  • you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
  • you can hear mimes.
  • you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
  • things become "Very Clear."
  • you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  • you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
  • you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
  • your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  • you and Reality file for divorce.
  • you can skip without a rope.
  • it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  • you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
  • you can travel without moving.
  • antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  • you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  • you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
  • teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
  • you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
  • you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Sometimes it Only Takes One Line
  • I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  • If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.
  • A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.
  • When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.
  • I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.
  • If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
  • Commercial truck owners should be required to pay into a state windshield repair fund.
  • I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.
  • I work for a living, I don't live for working.
  • With fuel prices skyrocketing, they should now call them gasp pumps!
  • Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
  • Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
  • If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.
  • Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
  • Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?
  • Yes, I'm lost . . . but I'm making GREAT time!
  • Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.
  • Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.

Submitted by Kathy, Germantown, Md.

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You're doing it wrong - Download Video

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Inside the Waves of Hawaii

Waimea Bay shore-break surfing pioneer, husband, and father of two, Clark Little has gained nationwide recognition for his photography with appearances on Good Morning America, Inside Edition, and many local news stations across the U.S. Clark Little on Good Morning America (2009):

It all started in 2007 when Clark 's wife wanted a nice piece of art to decorate a wall.

Voluntarily, Clark grabbed a camera, jumped in the water, and starting snapping away capturing the beauty and power of monstrous Hawaiian waves from the inside out.

"Clark 's view" is a unique view of the ocean that most will only be able to experience safely on land while studying one of Clark 's photos.

Now with a camera upgrade and an itch to get that better shot, Clark has taken this on full time and has moved his office from land, to the inside of a barrel.

Since the recent stir of Clark 's work, his images have been run on the Today Show, ABC World News Now, Nature's Best Photography, Paris Match (France), La Vie (France), Hana Hou (Hawaiian Airlines) magazine, Surfer magazine, Surfer's Journal as well as multiple publishers and newspapers in the U.S. and overseas.

These incredible images of waves in the Hawaiian Islands were taken by Clark Little, the number one photographer of surf.

He is dedicated to photographing the waves and has published a selection of his best images.

He captures magical moments inside the tube as surfers say.

Sun glints off wave

This shot captures sand from the ocean's floor being swept up by a monstrous wave and resembles a sandstorm. Little calls it the Sandmonster. There were clouds of sand ten feet high and I'm standing there.
I'm holding on to my camera and my trigger as long as I can. Then I have to jump into the cloud of sand to try to get out of danger's way..

Tubular shining

Beach - surf crashes down

Molten liquid gold

White tumultuous water

Red mysterious shot

Beauty - water drops

With a high shutter speed he caught the brilliant fanned effect of two waves intersecting each other and throwing out this beautiful fan of water.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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June 16th Humor Page