Humor Selections for April 26th, 2010

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A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam.

She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner.

"Now what?"

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.

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Some Really Good Questions
  • Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
  • Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  • On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice?" How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
  • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  • Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
  • How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
  • Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

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A husband was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass.

He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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Telltale Signs of Being a Mother
  • Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.
  • You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
  • Popsicle's become a food staple.
  • Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
  • You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
  • You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
  • You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
  • You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
  • You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
  • Your kid throws up and you catch it.
  • You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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What it REALLY means
  • "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
  • "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my room mates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
  • "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
  • "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  • "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
  • "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
  • "It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
  • "You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
  • "I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
  • "What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
  • "She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
  • "I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
  • "I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
  • "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
  • "I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

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Do you remember "The Little Rascals"? ...

What ever happened to those people?


Well, here it is...

The Our Gang

Alfalfa --

Carl Switzer was shot to death at age 31.
Chubby --
300-pound Norman Chaney died at age 22 following an operation.

Buckwheat --
William Thomas died at age 49 of a heart attack.

Darla Hood --
The Our Gang leading lady contracted hepatitis and died at age 47.
Brisbane -- 
Kendall McCormas, known as Breezy Brisbane, committed suicide at age 64.

Mickey Daniels --
He died of liver disease at 55.

Stymie --
Mathew Bear led a life of crime and drugs. He died of a stroke at age 56.
Scotty Beckett --
He died at age 38 following a brutal beating.

Wheezer --
Robert Hutchins was killed in an airplane accident at age 19.
Pete the Pup --
He was poisoned by an unknown assailant.

Butch --
Currently lives in California

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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April 23rd Humor Page