Humor Selections for April 12th, 2010

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A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up...

... and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dogs And Computers: Same Or Different?

Favorite Food

  • Dogs: kibbles
  • Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior

  • Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
  • Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property

  • Dogs: dog not found
  • Computers: file not found

Favorite trick

  • Dogs: roll over
  • Computers: play dead

Comic-page hero

  • Dogs: Dogbert
  • Computers: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads

  • Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
  • Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus

  • Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
  • Computers: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate

  • Dogs: leash law
  • Computers: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool

  • Dogs: pooper-scooper
  • Computers: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures

  • Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
  • Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory

  • Dogs: lifting leg
  • Computers: "Designed for Windows XP"

Unique behavior

  • Dogs: lick and drag
  • Computers: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature

  • Dogs: declaw
  • Computers: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan

  • Dogs: 12 years
  • Computers: 12 months

At end of useful life

  • Dogs: euthanasia
  • Computers: tax deduction

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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore...

... from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

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You Know You're From Rochester, NY When...
  • The only thing at the annual May Lilac Festival is snow.
  • The worst four-letter word you could say is "Fuji". (Rochester has Kodak)
  • You thought that you had figured out that alternate-parking thing, but wind up with a ticket anyway. (during winter you must park on alternating sides of the street to facilitate plowing)
  • Toronto is about 70 miles away, but it takes four hours to get there. (You have to deal with a lake (Ontario))
  • There's an 800 number to report a pothole in the road.
  • In a city where it snows at least 90 inches a year, they build a new sports stadium with no roof on it.
  • A musical comes to town 10 years after its Broadway premier and the entire town goes nuts!
  • You awaken from a deep sleep, look at the clock and see that it's 6:00, but you have no idea whether it's AM or PM.
  • More than 18 inches of snow falls overnight, but you never thought of NOT going to work. (Or school)
  • You are perplexed when friends from other cities come to visit and want to "see the sights".
  • There are places at the poles that seem to get more sunlight during the winter months than we do.
  • You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
  • Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.
  • You believe that "down south" means Maryland.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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April 9th Humor Page