Humor Selections for October 26th 2009

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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.

This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.

Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.

He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left
Starboard Right

Submitted by Captain Dan, Charlestown, SC.

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You Know You're Over The Hill When...
  • You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
  • You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
  • Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
  • You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
  • You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.
  • You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You start video taping daytime game shows.
  • At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.
  • You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
  • Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.
  • At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
  • Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
  • When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
  • One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
  • Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
  • You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
  • You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
  • You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
  • You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
  • You look both ways before crossing a room.
  • Your social security number only has three digits.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
  • You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.
  • You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
  • The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."
  • At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Actual Lines from Resumes
  • I am very detail-oreinted.
  • My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
  • Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
  • Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
  • It's best for employers that I not work with people.
  • Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
  • I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
  • If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
  • My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
  • You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
  • I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
  • Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
  • Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.
  • Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
  • Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
  • Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
  • Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
  • My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
  • Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
  • I am a rabid typist.
  • Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
  • I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
  • Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
  • Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
  • Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
  • Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
  • I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
  • Special Skills: Speak English.
  • Served as assistant sore manager.
  • Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
  • Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
  • Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
  • Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer.

He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together...

..., it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

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Corn Maze for Blonds

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Oct 23rd Humor Page