Humor Selections for October 21st, 2009

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A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice.

The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive...

..., expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

There's no charge,' she says.

No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit... I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

So I just switched the heads.'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Signs You're "All Grown-Up Now"
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
  • You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  • You watch the Weather Channel.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
  • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
  • You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
  • You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
  • Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  • You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
  • Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.
  • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
  • You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
  • 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  • You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.

Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

  • Beat around the bush
  • Jump to conclusions
  • Climb the walls
  • Wade through the morning paper.
  • Drag my heels
  • Push my luck
  • Make mountains out of mole hills
  • Hit the nail on the head.
  • Bend over backwards
  • Jump on the band wagon
  • Run around in circles.
  • Toot my own horn
  • Pull out all the stops
  • Add fuel to the fire
  • Open a can of worms
  • Put my foot in my mouth
  • Start the ball rolling
  • Go over the edge.
  • Pick up the pieces.
  • Kneel in prayer
  • Bow my head in thanksgiving
  • Uplift my hands in praise
  • Hug someone and encourage them.
  • What a Workout!

Rest At Last.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

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Some people are so innovative! Who'd dream up posters like this?



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