Humor Selections for October 14th, 2009

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My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Submitted by Layla, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center...

... where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Performance review terms.
  • Average employee: Not too bright.
  • Exceptionally well qualified: Made no major blunders - yet.
  • Active socially: Drinks a lot.
  • Family is active socially: Spouse drinks, too.
  • Character above reproach: Sstill one step ahead of the cops.
  • Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
  • Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
  • Careful thinker: Won't make a decision.
  • Takes pride in work: Conceited.
  • Plans for advancement: Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
  • Forceful: Argumentative.
  • Aggressive: Obnoxious.
  • Uses logic on difficult jobs: Gets someone else to do it.
  • A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
  • Express themselves well: Speak English.
  • Conscientious: Scared.
  • Meticulous attention to detail: A nit picker.
  • Has leadership qualities: Is tall or has a loud voice.
  • Exceptionally good judgement: Lucky.
  • Keen sense of humor: Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
  • Strong principles: Stubborn.
  • Career minded: Back stabber.
  • Coming along well: About to be let go.
  • Of great value to the organization: Gets to work on time.
  • Relaxed attitude: Sleeps at desk.
  • Experienced problem solver: Screws up often.
  • Work is first priority: Too ugly to get a date.
  • Independent worker: Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
  • Forward thinking: Procrastinator.
  • Great presentation skills: Able to BS well.
  • Good communication skills: Spends lots of time on phone.
  • Loyal: Can't get a job anywhere else.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Every so often, the calendar throws up dates that ‘experts’ predict... Take 2

It happened in 1997 and it happened, most famously, in 2000.

But it doesn’t end there, take a look forward into the future for some Armageddon dates we should be dreading.

Date to dread: 2011

Why we should dread it: The Solar System may enter a Photon Belt. Despite a prediction in 1997 that earth would enter the strange energy phenomenon known as a Photon Belt not coming true, experts predict it may still happen in 2011, leading to aliens landing, the world ending or, at best, widespread electrical failure.

Likelihood it will happen: 2/10 – it didn’t happen in 1997, so we’re not holding our breath.

Date to dread: 23 December 2012

Why we should dread it: According to the ancient Mayan calendar, the world is divided into 13 baktuns, or cycles. A baktun lasts for 144,000 days and if the Mayans are right, the last day of the final cycle will come at the end of 2012. Still, at least we’d get to watch the Olympics.

Likelihood it will happen: 6/10 – the Mayans were sharp cookies and, of the apocalypses doing the rounds, this one is causing the biggest buzz.

Date to dread: 2014

Why we should dread it: Pope Leo IX, speaking in 1514, didn’t have to worry about the end of the world because it was a long time away – 500 years to be precise. But if he was right, his prediction would mean lights out on earth in 2014.

Likelihood it will happen: 2/10 – Leo was most likely just reassuring his flock rather than coming over all Mystic Meg.

Date to dread: 13 November, 2026

Why we should dread it: In 1960, Science magazine gave this as the date when the world’s population would reach infinity – with disastrous consequences.

Likelihood it will happen: 1/10 – while there’s no denying the population is a little out of control, it looks highly unlikely it’ll to get so out of hand by 2026 that the Earth couldn’t cope.

Date to dread: 26 October 2028

Why we should dread it: The Asteroid 1997 XF11 is predicted to sail dangerously close to the Earth on this day, potentially creating an Armageddon scenario. Luckily by ‘close’ we mean 951,000 km.

Likelihood it will happen: 3/10 – even if the asteroid gets as close as experts fear, it’ll still be over twice as far away as the Moon.

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Weirdest Movie Titles
  • Dr Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine (1965) Vincent Price does the mad scientist thing here, only there's nothing particularly scary about this – in fact, it's a sci-fi comedy about robot girls in bikinis trying to con rich men out of their fortunes.
  • Puppetmaster vs Demonic Toys (2004) Finally, the Puppetmaster and Demonic Toys franchises together at last! The evil pair take each on in a cavalcade of, er, cheap special effects and general nonsense. Rest easy, Alien vs Predator.
  • Pinocchio In Outer Space (1965) Animation which sees Pinocchio get turned back into a puppet and go on a space mission to try and win back his human status. What's that sound you hear? Walt Disney spinning in his grave.
  • Redneck Zombies (1987) The title pretty much says it all: a bunch of hicks turn into the undead after swallowing radioactive waste. At least you can be pretty certain you're not getting a cute family film.
  • Oh! My Zombie Mermaid (2004) Hands up, we've got no idea what this one's about. The cover quote boasts "It's like Battlefield Baseball, Game Of Death and Splash rolled into one!" but that just makes us more confused.
  • Hick Trek 2: The Next Aggravation (2005) Star Trek spoof in which a bunch of rednecks go on a space adventure, led by the er, tastefully named Captain Retard. Leonard Nimoy aka Spock is apparently a big fan, believe it or not
  • Retardead (2008) The last possible place to set a zombie invasion? A special needs school, where developmentally disabled students are turned into zombies and go on the rampage. Oscars won? Zero.
  • C.H.U.D. (1984) The title of this monster movie stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Which would have been an even worse title. Although not quite as bad as the sequel, C.H.U.D. 2 – Bud The Chud.
  • Kids Go To The Woods... Kids Get Dead (2009) innovative B-movie throwback to horror classics of old (complete with VHS tracking) about your typical teens in peril. Will they survive? Well... no, obviously not. Didn't you see the title?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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