Humor Selections for October 12th, 2009

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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The Modern Child's ABCs of Social Graces
  • Acceptance: What you receive from the right people, and give in return.
  • Boredom: A common malady caught only from lesser folk.
  • Charity: The art of subtle giving to those you feel need it.
  • Distinction: The difference between you and lesser mortals.
  • Ethics: The knowledge of what you can ignore and what it's best to own up to.
  • Friends: Everyone except family who ignores your mistakes.
  • Gratitude: That which you deserve for being alive.
  • Happiness: Like love, but less troublesome. (see below)
  • Intuition: The ability to sense that someone is holding out on you.
  • Jackass: Anyone whose behaviour goes not gel with your current mood. (see below)
  • Kindness: What every good person should show you at all times.
  • Love: Sometimes hard to understand and to hold on to, but always deserved.
  • Mood: Things that everyone has, and which, when bad you have to be charitable about to your fellows, when good have to be shared. All types are reciprocal.
  • Nerves: That which only cowards reveal, hence giving you advantage.
  • Overture: An attempt to start something deemed worthy. Well practiced, it can
  • advance ones immediate cause without problem; done poorly, may allow others to put their overtures on you.
  • Profit: The gain you make. Opposed to loss, which only others should.
  • Quality: A relative term used to help the gain you make.
  • Rapport: A condition involving Ethics, Friends, and Intuition. Useful in determining the quality of others, hence the profit you can make from them.
  • Scheme: Anything you and your friends think of. Second-hand schemes are like once chewed toffee.
  • Terminate: To end something. Used by those in control. Make your aim to be one.
  • Uncomfortable: Anything that makes you sore until you get used to it.
  • Veracity: An old word that meant truth, but now may be used to distort it.
  • Willing: That which adults will try to make you learn to be, so you can be like them.
  • The opposite of independent.
  • Xcitement: An antidote to boredom. Surprisingly, best taken in small doses.
  • Yearning: A rare and strange feeling that can beset one when some of the above is in short supply.
  • Zip: That quality of speed which enables you to reach the goal without noticing the journey or the people. Antidote to care or consideration.

Submitted by Lindsay!  Melbourne, Australia

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Telltale Signs of Being a Mother
  • Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.
  • You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
  • Popsicle's become a food staple.
  • Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
  • You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
  • You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
  • You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
  • You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
  • You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
  • Your kid throws up and you catch it.
  • You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Every so often, the calendar throws up dates that ‘experts’ predict...

... will signal the end of life on earth. It happened in 1997 and it happened, most famously, in 2000.  But it doesn’t end there, take a look forward into the future for some Armageddon dates we should be dreading.

Date to dread: 2033

Why we should dread it: For all the Evangelical types who thought the year 2000 was going to mean curtains, 2033 is looking like the next disastrous date as it is believed to be the 2000th year after Christ’s death.

Likelihood it will happen: 2/10 – at least 2000 had a nice round number ring to it – this one seems to be clutching at straws.

Date to dread: 2035

Why we should dread it: One group of doom mongerers called the Raelians, who study a UFO religion, believe if they can establish an embassy in Jerusalem by 2035, an alien race called the Elohim will fall to earth, bringing with it a New Age.

Likelihood it will happen: 1/10 – if aliens capable of changing the world are hamstrung by the lack of a buffet reception they’re not worth rolling out the red carpet for.

Date to dread: 2280

Why we should dread it: Some maths whizzes claim the Koran contains a code which helps pinpoint the precise time when we’ll all breathe our last breath. Using computers to decode clues hidden in the book, they’ve come up with 2280 as d-day.

Likelihood it will happen: 2/10 – looking for hidden codes is nothing new, and this has the hallmarks of another scare-story born out of mathematicians with too much time on their hands.

Date to dread: 3797

Why we should dread it: One word – Nostradamus. The French astrologer’s predictions have a worldwide army of followers who believe he’s predicted world wars and other global disasters. This is his suggestion for the end of the world.

Likelihood it will happen: 7/10 – Nostradamus is certainly the prediction daddy so it’d be silly to dismiss this one out of hand. However, the fact that none of us will still be here then, kind of makes you worry a bit less.

Date to dread: 1,000,000 AD

Why we should dread it: As our Outlook calendars don’t quite take us up this far there’s not a lot of point stressing about this date, but huge Gamma Ray star bursts occur about every one million years. The radiation caused by one of these will have a devastating effect on the Earth’s oxygen supply.

Likelihood it will happen:  9/10 – Unless oxygen’s no longer essential, life on Earth won’t stand a chance.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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Several racehorses are in a stable.

One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, " Well I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36, " says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says, "I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW," says one horse after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Oct 7th Humor Page