Humor Selections for Nov 16th 2009

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Rules for Good Housekeeping (Especially for men!)
  • It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
  • Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
  • Never make fried chicken in the nude.
  • Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
  • You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
  • If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
  • When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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For those sarcastic moments when you need just the right insult ... try:
  • And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
  • I plead contemporary insanity.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • Meandering to a different drummer.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Defining Characteristics .....of Slow People
  • Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other.
  • They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.
  • Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either.
  • Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed.
  • Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height...

..., or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop.

"I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers."

"Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply.

"Ah... gimme a half," my friend says.

After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard...

"Small Italian, your order is up!"

Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.

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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked...,

..."I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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Proof that man descended from apes


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Nov 11th Humor Page