Humor Selections for March 18th, 2009

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!' The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a

Beep, beep, beep

The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Trivia Take 8
  • There are four cars and eleven light posts on the back of a $10 bill.
  • The earliest known legal text was written by Ur Nammu in 2100 B.C.
  • 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
  • Some 160,000 people attempt suicide every year in France.
  • 99% of the solar system's mass is concentrated in the sun.
  • The oldest commercially marketed carbonated drink was Moxie, which became available in apothecaries as a medical tonic in 1876.
  • The first time movie audiences were treated to a flushing toilet was in Alfred Hitchcock's 1959 release Psycho.
  • The Union ironclad, Monitor, was the first U.S. ship to have a flush toilet.
  • The average American eats 114,000 Tootsie Rolls in their lifetime.
  • 27% of U.S. male college students believe life is a meaningless existential hell.
  • On the average, a normal person's eye muscles move about 100,000 to 150,000 times in one day.
  • Most toilets flush in E flat.
  • The Ancient Egyptians trained baboons to wait at their tables.
  • England is smaller than New England.
  • Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
  • Elephants have been known to remain standing after they die.
  • Porcupines are excellent swimmers, because their quills are hollow.
  • Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Are you tired of those sissy ' friendship' poems that always sound good...

...but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this - Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

  • When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
  • When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
  • When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.
  • When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
  • When you are confused -- I will use little words.
  • When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
  • When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off--  After I laugh my butt off!!

Submitted by Dana, Saint Joseph, Mo.

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A leader in a Christian Science church...

... was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?"

"I'm afraid he's very ill."

"No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill."

The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time."

A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?"

"Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field.

Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A Very Patient Cat - Download Video

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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March 16th Humor Page