Humor Selections for Feb 25th, 2009

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Income taxes are normally due on April 15th...

... unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm.

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.

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There were Five country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.  One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God ' s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision, and they haven ' t seen a squirrel on the property since.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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You Know You Are Addicted To Coffee If ....
  • You grind Your coffee beans in Your mouth.
  • You sleep with Your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time You're standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of Yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You've worn out Your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when You sneeze.
  • You chew on other people's fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take Your pulse.
  • You're so jittery that people use Your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with Your feet.
  • You can jump-start Your car without cables.
  • You don't sweat, You percolate.
  • You run twenty miles on Your treadmill before You realize it's not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching You.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of Your coffee mug on Your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help Your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak Your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when You're parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.

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You might be an Accountant if...
  • you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
  • you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
  • you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
  • at the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation.
  • getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
  • your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
  • you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
  • you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "==="

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Trivia Part 3
  • The word "Nazi" is actually an abbreviation. The party's full name was the Nazionalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartel.
  • Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes."
  • The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
  • The word "toast," meaning a proposal of health, originated in Rome, where an actual bit of spiced, burned bread was dropped into wine to improve the drink's flavor, absorb its sediment, and thus make it more healthful.
  • The word "bookkeeper" is the only word in the English language with three back-to-back double letter combinations.
  • There is a town in Sweden called "A" and a town in France called "Y."
  • What is called a "French kiss" in England and America is known as an "English kiss" in France.
  • The dot on top of the letter "i" is called a "tittle." "Tittle" is Latin for something very small.
  • The shortest verse in the Bible consists of two words: "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)
  • The letter "o" is the oldest letter. It has not changed in shape since its adoption in the Phoenician alphabet, circa 1,300 B.C.
  • The letter "b" took its present form from a symbol used in Egyptian hieroglyphics to represent a house.
  • When used by an ornithologist, the word "lore" refers to the space between a bird's eye and its bill.
  • The longest English word consisting entirely of consonants (and not including"y" as a vowel) is the word "crwth" which is from the fourteenth century and means crowd.
  • The most common name in the world is Muhammed.
  • The most common street name in the U.S. is Second Street.
  • Henry Ford experimented with soy. Many of the meals served in his home consisted of his soy creations.
  • The French national anthem, "La Marseillaise," derived its title from the enthusiasm of the men of Marseilles, France, who sang it when they marched into Paris at the outset of the French Revolution. Rouget de l'Isle, its composer, was an artillery officer. According to his account, he fell asleep at a harpsichord and dreamt the words and the music. Upon waking, he remembered the entire piece from his dream and immediately wrote it down.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable


Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe. This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it. Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this rig.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Feb 23rd Humor Page