Humor Selections for August 10th, 2009

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A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit...

... to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.


"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.


"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Ambrose Bierce was one of the world's greatest satirists.

Here's his take on the word 'SAW':

Saw, n. a trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial). So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.

  • A penny saved is a penny to squander
  • A man is known by the company he organizes
  • A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that
  • A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring
  • Better late than before anybody has invited you
  • Example is better than following it
  • Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else
  • Think twice before you speak to a friend in need
  • What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it
  • Least said is soonest disavowed
  • He laughs best who laughs least
  • Speak of the devil and he will hear about it
  • Of two evils choose to be the least
  • Strike while your employer has a big contract
  • Where there's a will there's a wont
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness...

... and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A Canadian, a Russian and an American all wanted to show off to each other...

... so they each bought a new toilet. The Russian bought a wooden toilet, the Canadian bought a marble toilet, and the American bought a musical toilet.

The next day, the Canadian came back to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off of it."

The day after that, the Russian came to complain and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet I get splinters in my bottom."

The next day, the American came and said, "I want a refund. Every time I sit down, I hear my national anthem and I have to stand up."

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Trivia Take 12
  • Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed.
  • You breathe about 10 million times a year.
  • The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.
  • The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald was booked with mugshot number 54018.
  • The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of four miles per hour.
  • The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.
  • The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects.
  • The most common time for a wake up call is 7 a.m.
  • The doorbell was invented in 1831.
  • The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928.
  • Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs.
  • There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.
  • The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight.
  • A squid has 10 tentacles.
  • A snail's reproductive organs are in its head.
  • A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose.
  • The world "and" appears 46,277 times in the Bible.
  • The telephone's U.S. patent number is 174 465.
  • There are 17 steps leading up to Sherlock Holmes' apartment.
  • When a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from its eyes.
  • Napoleon was terrified of cats.
  • The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.
  • The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.
  • The human body weighs 40 times more than the brain.
  • A person swallows approximately 295 times while eating dinner.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Revenge of the trash man ...


Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. Md.

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August 7th Humor Page