Humor Selections for April 17th, 2009

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Wise Sayings on Government
  • In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress. -- John Adams
  • If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
  • I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
  • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
  • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
  • Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard
  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke
  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat
  • Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
  • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke
  • In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire
  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
  • No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain
  • Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
  • The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
  • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
  • The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer
  • There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. -- Mark Twain
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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The following statements about the bible were written by children.

  • In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. 
  • Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
  • Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
  • Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
  • The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada . then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
  • The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
  • It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
  • Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed!

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Why Men Stay Relaxed, Have Time for the Important Things in Life
  • They never have to decide what to wear.
  • A pair of trousers is a pair of trousers, a shirt is a shirt, socks are socks.
  • Shoes or sneakers, that's a decision. Two seconds.
  • Hair is hair. You get it cut, you wash, dry and comb it. Finito. The colour and quantity change with time. That's how things are.
  • A face is a face. It needs shaving, washing, and drying, probably once a day. It's sometimes hard to recognize in the mirror, but if it reminds you of you, it probably is. It does not need a makeover.
  • Sweat is sweat. All the powders and creams in creation are not going to change that. Getting used to that fact happened a long time ago.
  • Eating food is a necessity. Eating nice tasting food is good, but nothing to get fussed over. Candles, champagne, bread sticks make us suspicious.
  • Shopping can be fun, during summer when chicks wear shorts. Otherwise it's another necessity. Get what you need, get out of there, get to the important things.

And these are?

  • Arguing with your mates over who's going to win the next game. Or be premiers, or champion.
  • Deciding who has to go for more beer.
  • Deciding the best lottery numbers.
  • Giving as much bull as you get.
  • Swapping new excuses.
  • Saving money for the hundreds of other important things.

This is time well spent. It's something women will never understand. It's the reason they go through life jittery and hyper-active - with all the decisions they have to make, all the time they take to make them, all their angst over how other women look, they just don't know how to relax. Or fetch the beer.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Dan got a frantic call from his blond girlfriend.

"I've got a problem," she said.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?"

"A big rooster."

"All right, " Dan said. "I'll come over and take a look."

The woman led Dan into her kitchen and showed him the puzzle on the table.

"For Pete's sake Buffy," he exclaimed after he saw it. "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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The Hospital - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Happy Birthday Barbie

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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April 15th Humor Page