Humor Selections for October 22nd, 2008

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Why Hockey is the Best Fighting Sport
  • It's like a street gang, but it's organized into teams and on skates.
  • It's okay to punch a guy, hit him, and slash him with your stick. It's called "part of the game"
  • Fans actually pay to see players fight and play a little hockey.
  • Hockey violence is better than boxing, and they do it 70 games a year.
  • When you get punished for fighting, you get to sit down for five minutes, and then you get to play and fight again.
  • Mommies are not allowed on the ice to comfort their battered sons.
  • Hockey coaches actually hire players who do not score, but instead beat up people.
  • Players are exempt from dental insurance. In fact a player with a complete set of teeth is unheard of.
  • You won't get in trouble with your boss when you slug opposing players, in fact there may be a bounty.
  • Because of stitches, there are no pretty hockey players. They all look like Boris Karloff.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Signs you spend too much time with your e-mail
  • Your children are named Outlook, Thunderbird and dotcom.
  • You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor. COM
  • You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
  • You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

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Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead

Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head;

I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.

For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,
If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.

And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.
Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.

I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.
I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.

And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.
I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?

Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.
I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.

So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore
It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.

Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.

Submitted by Wink, Yonkers, NY.

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher

"Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict." --David Letterman

"A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher

"Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Donít flush, donít flush!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsburg, Md.

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There was this guy who fell from an airplane and landed in a strange place.

He was badly hurt and a couple of monks came and rescued him. And the Monks told the man to be careful because they were not going to save him again. The guy said okay then spent the night at the Monk's place.

Later that night he heard an annoying loud banging and scratching sound that almost sounding like moaning. It was really loud. The next day he went back to the Monk's place and asked if they knew what the sound was. The Monk's Leader told the guy that he would have to be a monk to find out. The guy asked what it would take to be a monk. So the Monks told him that he would have to be there for eight years and pass a test.

So this guy stayed for eight years and finally passed the text. The guy asked again what that noise was he heard for so many years ago. The Monks agreed to tell him and told him to follow them. The guy was really happy because he lost a lot of sleep over that sound.

He could sleep for years thinking about that noise that sounding almost like a heart beating. The Monks walked up to some big, huge doors and the noise kept getting louder and louder. So, loud that the Monks and the Guy couldn't hear each other. Do you want to know what was behind the doors?

I can't tell you! You're not a Monk!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.

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Oct 15th Humor Page