Humor Selections for July 2nd, 2008

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness...

... and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the s! econd round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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Helicopter pilot lessons learned during Vietnam but still true today.
  • Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if it was a good idea.
  • There is no such thing as a "fun" hot LZ.
  • It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
  • The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
  • There are only two kinds of helicopter pilots: those that have crashed, and those who are going to.
  • Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
  • Letters from home are not always great.
  • The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
  • Always remember that helicopters are different from airplanes. Helicopters are thousands of pounds of parts all flying in loose formation often in opposition to each other, and unlike airplanes, they fly by beating the air into submission.
  • Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
  • The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive terms.
  • The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
  • Being good and lucky is not enough, there is always payback.
  • "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
  • If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
  • The B.S.R. (Bang, Stare, Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
  • The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
  • The sole purpose of our helicopters is to support our grunts. Anyone who forgets that has forgotten the mission.
  • 0No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
  • Gravity may not be fair, but it is the law.
  • If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
  • If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
  • It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.
  • Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  • If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
  • Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time, if ever.
  • Combat pay is a flawed concept.
  • Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
  • 0Air superiority is NOT a luxury. It is always a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
  • Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.
  • While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.
  • When you shoot your weapon, clean it the first chance you get.
  • Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
  • Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
  • WHAT is often more important than WHY.
  • If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
  • Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
  • 0Everybody's a hero on the ground in the officers club and after the fourth drink.
  • There is no such thing as a small firefight.
  • A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
  • The farther you fly into the mountains (or over water), the louder the strange engine noises become.
  • Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is a whole lot better.
  • The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
  • Thousands of Vietnam. Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
  • In helicopters, there is no such thing as "a good vibration."
  • Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
  • Nomex is NOT fire proof.
  • 0There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
  • Living and dying can both hurt a lot.
  • While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
  • C- can make a dull day fun.
  • Cocoa Powder is neither.
  • There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.
  • If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
  • Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.
  • If you have extra, share it quickly.
  • 0Always make sure someone has a P-.
  • A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.
  • Prayer may not help but it can't hurt.
  • Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
  • If everyone does not come home, none of the rest of us can ever fully come home.
  • Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
  • A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flown in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.
Submitted by former helicopter pilot and now blacksmith Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Children write about the sea:
  • If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent........... (Wayne age 7)
  • Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
  • A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
  • My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
  • When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
  • I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
  • I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
  • Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug them selves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
  • On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night:

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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June 27th Humor Page