Humor Selections for June 27th, 2008

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A News photographer called the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,'re NOT my flight instructor?

Selected for my Friend Lindsay who is down with the Flu!

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Things You Never Hear in Church
  • Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  • I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
  • Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
  • Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
  • Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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A bus load of Irish tourists arrives at Runnymede.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Some signs warning you that your television show is going off the air:
  • The usual main star of the show is now called "a special guest- star".
  • There are more commercials for drugs and medications than there is show content.
  • The sponsors have left the show--all there is left are public service rowboat safety spots.
  • You suddenly realize that the episode this week was the same as the one last week.
  • You start seeing old reruns of "Roller Derby Babes" in the place of the crime/doctor drama you wanted.
  • This week, it is on Tuesday. Next week it is on Thursday. Then the next week it is on Monday and Thursday.
  • Suddenly it is put on against reruns of "My Mother, The Car".
  • You realize that the blooper show you were watching was an actual episode of your show.
  • It was decided that dead airspace was better than running new episodes of your show.
  • Your show was being sponsored by Enron, Trac Auto and Worldcom.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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A farmer had five female pigs. He decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. They agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station Wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?' The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.'

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'

'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.'

Submited by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.

Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Wow ... this is some pilot!  Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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This accident happened 8 years ago this past March.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Vegas overshot the runway at Burbank. It smashed through the airport fence, careened across a street and ended up in a gas station. That's not the amazing part. Look below!


Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.

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June 25th Humor Page