Humor Selections for December 12th, 2008

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Memo from Santa Claus:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

  1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
  2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
  3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
  4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
  5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
  6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
  7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
  8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
  9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209) 

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Wifely Quotes - take 4

"Is your husband home?"
"Yes, but he's in the second smallest room at the moment."
"Oh. Umm… what's that?"
"The toilet."
"Oh. Umm… then what's the smallest?"
"The doghouse."

Mother and six-year-old daughter are in the garden, looking to see how many passion fruit are on the vine. "There's not many, are there," says the youngster.
"No. There's a real shortage of bees that pollinate the flowers."
As the girl looks around, she sees a flock of birds settling in a nearby tree, and asks, "Can birds pollinate?"
"No, dear. They poopinate."

As I rise from the evening meal, I begin to cough. "Problem?" my wife asks.
"Bit of an allergy, I think."
"Well, it ain't to food."

I demur from an order. "Listen," she responds, "if you want to oppose, stand for parliament. In this house you agree. Capice?"

My dear one thought of getting into the counseling game many years ago when we ran a nursing home. She'd employed a very lovely young lady as a cook, but who happened to be a transvestite. Our ten- year-old daughter asked her mother soon afterwards, "Mum, why has Robin got whiskers?"

At a recent dinner with our daughter and her husband, the similarity of mother-daughter careers and likes/dislikes was summed up succinctly by the mother: "We're feathers off the same bird." No one dared ask for the bird's credentials.

A moment ago she came in from seeing the local doctor. "What'd he say?" I ask
"I've got to use CS."
"Cephalosporin?" I'm incredulous.
"No, dopey, common sense. You know, that commodity in such short supply among the learned."

"When are you going to fix the hole in the ceiling?" (From a botched DIY project)
"When you put away your junk on the sofa."
10 minutes later, she was on the stepladder with ruler and pencil, measuring the hole.
"What are you doing?"
"Fixing the hole."

An avowed activist, she startled me out of a reverie with "I'm going on a hunger strike!"
"Yeah? What against?"
"My weight."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia (I wonder if his wife knows he's sending us this?)

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More You live in the Northwest if:
  • Rubber boots are a main part of you wardrobe, and they go with everything.
  • You know the difference between : Heavy dew, mist, sprinkle, shower, rain and downpour.
  • You actually know what make hay while the sun shine's means.
  • If you have walked out your back door and it is raining but out the front door it is not.
  • That one of the seasons is also fishing season.
  • Outside work does not stop because it is raining, snowing or blowing.
  • You just change what clothes you ware and how much.
  • We don't have hurricane force winds, we have gales and storm warnings with high winds
  • Some of use can tell when we are expecting a storm or rain by the amount of aches and pains in our joints

Submitted by Bruce, of Cold Harbor, Ill. friend, Else

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The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns...

... American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When...
  • As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.
  • The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.
  • The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.
  • The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear
  • A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.
  • A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.
  • Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
  • A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
  • A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Black Hole  ... Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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....She had been on my case for weeks to get the Christmas lights up.

They are up, and now she won’t talk to me. Go figure.


Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Dec 10th Humor Page