Humor Selections for March 26th, 2007

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An American walks into an Irish pub and says ...

..., "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and inhale the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Kids are Quick
  • Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    Maria: Here it is.
    Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    Class: Maria.
  • Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    John: You told me to do it without using tables.
  • Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
    Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
    Teacher: No, that's wrong
    Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
  • Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    Donald: H I J K L M N O.
    Teacher: What are you talking about?
    Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
  • Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    Winnie: Me!
  • Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
  • Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
    Millie: I is...
    Teacher: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
    Millie: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
  • Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    Louis: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
  • Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. straight
  • Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
  • Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
  • Harold: A teacher

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Some folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls...

.... contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

  • Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
  • I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
  • If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
  • If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

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Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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March 23rd Humor Page