Humor Selections for June 27th, 2007

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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates ...

..., he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man.

"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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After 38 years of accident free driving I finally had a wreck.

I am fine, but it was one of those stupid rear end collisions, where it could have been avoided. It was really nobody's fault.

To my surprise, the guy I hit was a dwarf and he stormed out of his car, stomped back to my car and shouted at me, "I AM NOT HAPPY!".

So, I asked him, "Well, which one are you?"

Learned one thing about dwarfs, they don't have a sense of humor.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 45

"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno

"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman

"By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno

"There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say, 'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Democratic congressman from Louisiana, William Jefferson -- you know, the guy who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer -- has been indicted on 16 corruption charges. That's William Jefferson. Now don't confuse him with his wife, Weezy." --Jay Leno

"Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs...

...  to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship" . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can dis cuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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When Helmets Make No Sense...




Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, PA.

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June 22nd Humor Page