Humor Selections for Jan 29th, 2007

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The International Rules of Manhood:
  • Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
  • It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    • When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    • After wrecking your boss's car.
  • Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
  • Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
  • If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
  • Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
  • No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
  • On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
  • When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
  • It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
  • Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
  • Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
  • If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
  • Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
  • A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
  • Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
  • If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
  • Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
  • It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
  • Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. Especially Mini-vans
  • The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
  • There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
  • Never, under any circumstances shall a man clean - unless he is being paid to do so.
  • Never, under any circumstances shall a married man cook - unless he is being paid to do so

We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

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This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics ...

.... The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

  • AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
  • BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
  • CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
  • HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
  • HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
  • RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
  • INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
  • JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
  • JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
  • JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
  • KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
  • MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
  • MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
  • PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
  • PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
  • RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
  • RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
  • TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
  • USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
  • SECRET HOT LINE number direct to the Holy Spirit" that only Catholics know -- "Et cum spiri - 220"

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif

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Marriage as seen thought the eyes of the famous and not so famous...
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
  • Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
  • The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud
  • I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Anonymous
  • "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman
  • "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison
  • "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran
  • "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray
  • Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... - Anonymous
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
  • Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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You know you're from Pittsburgh if you understand these phrases ... Take 4

  • Laid Aht Refers to the tradition of viewing our deceased loved ones in funeral homes. Sorry to hear abaht your uncle. Where's he being laid aht? Also may be used to refer in the past tense to sunbathing. (Submitted by Colleen Cowan, San Clemente, CA)
  • Lassnite Last night. Lassnite we went dahn STRATUS! (Submitted by Jill Petersavage and Jamie Keglovich, West Mifflin)
  • Lazyman's load To carry a large load of groceries in at once because you're too lazy to make two trips. . I could hardly git up the steps 'cause I was carrying a lazyman's load. (Submitted by Lois Cardaro, Bell Point (Apollo))
  • Like at Like that. I can't do it like at. (Submitted by David Beatty, Punxsutawney, PA)
  • Like iss Like this. Hold da ball like iss. (Submitted by David Beatty, Punxsutawney, PA)
  • Living Daylights Refering to a beating. He beat the living daylights out of him. (Submitted by Budd Corr, Pittsburgh)
  • Mallanar Miles per hour. That jagoff was drivin' fittee mallanar! (Submitted by Phyllis Demo, New York, NY)
  • Mandar Man did our. Last summer was hot, we runned the air every day, and mandar lectric bill go up. (Submitted by Thomas Methven, New Stanton)
  • McCaddum Road Asphalt road. As refered to by older Pittsburghers. (Submitted by D. Burrell, Winchester, VA)
  • Meechinsdahnair I will meet you down there. I actually said this to my best friend and he had NO clue as to what I was saying! (Submitted by Jamie Kloos, Cory, PA)
  • Mills on Wills Meals on Wheels. Mills on Wills don't never bring halupki, haluski, or kolachis. (Submitted by Ernie Stefanik, Derry, PA)
  • Mize well I might as well. Are yinz gonna eat this last sammitch? Mize well. (Submitted by Joyce Milton, Brooklyn, New York)
  • Mm-ah Odd phrase uttered by sportscaster Myron Cope. Mm-ah -- dis is Myrn Cope on sports (Submitted by Joshua Thimons, Allison Park, PA)
  • Molahta I'm all out of. Jeez, molahta jumbo! (Submitted by Ben, Roswell, GA)
  • Momanem's Your mother and her friends. Momanem's dahn at da gian igl shoppin'. (Submitted by Gina Edminston, Philadelphia, PA)
  • Morrenat More than that. Yinz musta had at least twenty arns. Response: "Naaa man, morrenat!" (Submitted by Doug Hoerster, Robinson Township)
  • Mummell Mom will. Mummell do it. (Submitted by Amy Butler, Scottsville, VA)
  • Muppear I'm up here. Muppear from Picksburgh! (Submitted by Robert Wollman, Buffalo, NY)
  • Needs swept Needs to swept. Performed with a "sweeper", known in other parts of the country as a vacuum cleaner. (Submitted by Sheila Farrelly, Bronxville, NY)
  • Nothurn Another one. I don't like thisson, why don't yinz bring me nothurn? (Submitted by Greg Mattes, Chapel Hill, NC (Johnstown originally))
  • Nuh-uh!! I can't believe it. Nuh-uh, yinz didn't rilly meet Jaromir Jagr dahn Chauncy's! (Submitted by Michele Donofrio, Pittsburgh)
  • Nunya None of your. It is nunya business. (Submitted by Teddy Antoon, Hopwood, PA)
  • Oh call Arnold Slick from Turtle Crick! Another Mike Lange quote. Makes fun of the way we "crickers" say the word "creek." (Submitted by Brian Moore, Penn State University)
  • Oh mah gersh Oh my gosh. Oh mah gersh, ers a sputzee up air. (Submitted by the big hurt, picksburg)
  • One Snawall Once in a while. I seen him one snawall (Submitted by Charles J. Schlotter, Los Angeles, CA)
  • Onnat For that. He give me the price onnat truck, but I said no way. (Submitted by Bob Crispen, Decatur, AL)
  • Open da light To turn on a lighting fixture in the room. Open da light -- I can't find my arn! (Submitted by Gary Callen, Idaho Falls, ID)
  • Or not Hamlet's famous speech, had he been a Pittsburgher. (They don't use "to be" in the Burgh.) (Submitted by Emily Schultheiss, Bradford Woods, PA)

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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Submitted by Cindi, Emmitsburg, Md. 

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Jan 26th Humor Page