Humor Selections for Jan 26th, 2007

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After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case ...

... the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years ...

... and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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You know you're from Pittsburgh if you understand these phrases ... Take 3
  • Goin' up Going up to. I'm goin' up Liggioner (Submitted by Michael E., Los Angeles, CA)
  • Haaja How did you. Haaja like at Stillers game? (Submitted by Allison Black, Okinawa, Japan)
  • Hafta Have to. I hafta go to the baffroom! (Submitted by Jane Southern, North Hunningon)
  • Hah ya doone? How are you doing. (Submitted by Vince Tomasello, Cedarburg, WI)
  • Hainapposa Shouldn't (ain't supposed to). Yinz hainapposa be aht, yinzer sick. (Submitted by Lan Villella, Aliquippa)
  • Hainy Isn't he. Hainy goin to da Stiller game today? (Submitted by Jeff Kurtyka, Harrisburg)
  • Half in two Cut something in half. I cut the sammiches half in two for yinz. (Submitted by Geanan Murtha, Bridgewater)
  • Hammy Hand me. Hey Dawn, hammy da hammer! (Submitted by Jennifer Kunz, Los Angeles, CA)
  • Hauscome What is the reason. Hauscome yinz guys didn't wacha Stillers Sunday? (Submitted by Dan Genovese, Columbia, MD)
  • Hay Bir Here Beer Here. Yelled By the Bir venders at 3 Rivers stadium during foutball games. It gives me a hed ake. (Submitted by Robert Clifford, Pitcairn)
  • Heat ups Left overs. We are having heat up tonight for supper. (Submitted by Dorothy Johnson, Racine, Ohio)
  • Hit the bricks Leave. Get lost. From the old cobblestoneroads in Pgh. (Submitted by Mike Novosel, Atlanta, GA)
  • How's abaht How about, with feeling. How's abaht goin aht? (Submitted by Lou Morgan, Wheeling, WV)
  • How's come Why. How's come 'dat arn ain't on ice? (Submitted by Joshua Thimons, Allison Park, PA)
  • If your friends jumped off the Westinghouse Bridge, would you? Used by parents to convince their children not to follow the crowd. Child: But mum, evrybuddy's gettin' their tongue pierced! Mother: If your friends jumped off the Westinhaus Bridge, would 'ju? (Submitted by Yvonne Dailey, Concord, MA)
  • In regards to... A wordy expression that attempts to make the speaker articulate. (Submitted by Glenn Stuwitzski, Lawrenceville)
  • In-a-baht-a In about a. When ya be back? inabahta minute (Submitted by Sean Barry, Da Burgh)
  • Inna In the. What's inna bag? (Submitted by Marge Hampton, Pittsburgh)
  • It's A Burgh Thing Anything that's unique to Pittsburgh. Like putting french fries in a ham sammitch! (Submitted by Mickey, New Castle)
  • Ize I was. Ize so tired when I got home from work that I missed the Stiller game (Submitted by Lori Dusi, Baldwin)
  • Ja Wanna Do you want to. Ja wanna go withs me? (Submitted by Jodi Patterson, Industry, PA)
  • Jano Did you know. How jano that answer? (Submitted by Chuck Granberg, Shaler)
  • Jeet jet Did you eat yet. (Submitted by Chuck Granberg, Shaler)
  • Jeez-o-man Expletive. Jeez-o-man, your skirt is so short I can see Picksburg! (Submitted by Janet Bailey, Winter Park, FL)
  • Jimminy Chrismas! Term used by old fogies when something goes wrong. Jimminy Chrismas. I lost my babushka! (Submitted by Kattie and Sarah, CMU)
  • Jisabaht Just about. It's jisabaht time ta go. (Submitted by Marguerite Brown & Vanessa Sterling, Greenfield)
  • Kennywood's Open Said to men only. Means your zipper on your pants is down. (Submitted by Mike Novosel, Atlanta, GA)
  • Ki Can I. Ki help yinz? (Submitted by Donna Levin, Annapolis, MD)
  • Kimm'awn Come on. A statement of surprise or disbelief. "Aw Kimm'awn, git aht!" (Submitted by William Boyle, Oakland)

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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How to spot a natural blond ... Down Load Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Jan 24th Humor Page