Humor Selections for Jan 12th, 2007


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Redneck Pickup Lines
  • Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
  • Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
  • My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
  • Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
  • You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
  • Man - "Fat Penguin!"
    Woman - "WHAT?"
    Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
  • I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
  • I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
  • Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

and.... the best for last!

  • If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Pa.
 

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Cat Laws
  • Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
  • Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
  • Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
  • Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
  • Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
  • Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
  • Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
  • Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
  • Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
  • Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
  • Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
  • Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
  • Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
  • Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

I came across this phrase yesterday "fender skirts"

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.

But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this. ?

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office ...

... and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The politically correct night before Christmas ... Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
 

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Pictures worth a 1000 words


 

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Jan 10th Humor Page