Humor Selections for April 25th, 2007

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Sam went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift home.

His own car was off the road being serviced. "Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."

As they're driving along, Sam says, "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"

"That's my digital clock."

A few minutes later, Sam asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"

"That's my tachometer," says Morry.

Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what's that...."

"Hold on a minute, Sam," says Morry, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."

"Never in the front seat." says Sam.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight...

... I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. Md.

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An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".

"Why not", he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead".

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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The Good Old Days - Taken from The Lancashire Herald

The Times, Thursday, April 26, 1832, issue 14836. Page 4

On Saturday, the 7th ins., the inhabitants of this city witnessed the sale of a wife by her husband, Joseph THOMPSON, who resides in a small village about three miles from this city. He rents a farm of about 42 or 44 acres, and was married at Hexam, in the year 1829, to his present wife. She is a sprucely, lively, buxom damsel, apparently not exceeding 22 years of age, and appeared to feel a pleasure at the exchange she was about to make. They has no children to their union, and that, together with some family disputes, caused them, by mutual agreement, to come to the resolution of finally parting.

Accordingly, the bellman was sent round to give public notice of the sale, which was to take place at 12 o'clock. This announcement attracted the notice of thousands.

She appeared above the crowd, standing on a large oak chair, surrounded by many of her friends, with a rope halter made of straw round her neck. She was dressed in a rather fashionable country style, and appeared to some advantage. Thr husband, who was also standing in an elevated position near her, proceeded to put her up for sale, and spoke clearly as follows: -

"Gentlemen, I have to offer to you notice of my wife, Mary Ann THOMPSON, otherwise WILLIAMSON, whom I mean to sell to the highest and fairest bidder. Gentlemen, it is her wish as well as mine to part for ever. She has been to me only a bosom serpent. I took her for my comfort, and the good of my house, but she became my tormentor, a domestic curse, a night invasion, and a daily devil. (Great laughter)

Gentlemen, I speak truth from my heart, when I say, may God deliver us from troublesome wives and frolicsome widows. (Laughter) Avoid them the same as you would a mad dog, a roaring lion, a loaded pistol, cholera morbus, Mount Etna, or any other pestilential phenomenon in nature.

Now, I have shown you the dark side of my wife, and told you her faults and her failings; I now introduce the bright and sunny side of her, and explain her qualifications and goodness. She can read novels and milk cows; she can laugh and weep with the same ease that you could take a glass of ale when thirsty: Indeed, gentlemen, she reminds me of what the poet says of women in general -

"Heaven gave women peculiar grace,

To Laugh, to weep, and cheat the human race."

She can make butter and scold the maid, she can sing MOORE'S melodies, and plait her frills and caps; she cannot make rum, gin or whiskey; but she is a good judge of the quality from long experience in tasting them. I therefore offer her, with all her perfections and imperfections, for the sum of 60s."

After an hour or two she was purchased by Henry MONRO (MEARS?), a pensioner, for the sum of 30s and a Newfoundland dog. The happy couple immediately left town together, amidst the ribald laughter of the multitude, in which they were joined by THOMPSON, who, with the greatest good humour imaginable, proceeded to put then halter, which his wife had taken off, round the neck of his Newfoundland dog, and then proceeded to the first public-house, where he spent the remainder of the day.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.

The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, Md.

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April 23rd Humor Page