One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come
a long way ...
... and no
longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that
they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no
longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many
miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist
was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we
have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay,
But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the
old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself
a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
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Jokes, My Little
Things Only Southerners Know
- Only a Southerner knows the difference
between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE"
them, you "PITCH" them.
- Only a Southerner knows how many fish,
collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
- Only a Southerner can show or point out to
you the general direction of "yonder."
- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long
"directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
- Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some
sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that
sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
- All Southerners know exactly when "by and by"
is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that
the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate
of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the
neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large
- Only Southerners grow up knowing the
difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also
know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a Southerner, both knows and
understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
- No true Southerner would ever assume that the
car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
- A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used
as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
- Only Southerners make friends while standing
in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in
line," we talk to everybody!
- Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of
them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
- Southerners never refer to one person as
- Southerners know grits come from corn and how
to eat them.
- Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs,
bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy
is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a
- When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught
myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine
- Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and
"sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it --
we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want
- And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You
just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
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List of You Know You're From,
Little Sister's Jokes,
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States ...
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living
thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40
days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw
Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things
have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the
inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that
I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the
Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a
bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other
overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the
sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a
ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive,
and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for
my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least
10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder
and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to
Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg,
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Why I gave up the treadmill -
Submitted by Dick,
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Painted ceiling in a
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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My Little Sister's Jokes,
August 30th Humor Page