Humor Selections for November 8th, 2006

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You Work in Corporate America If...
  • You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
  • Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  • Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
  • Your company logo on your badge is applied with stickum.
  • You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
  • When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  • You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  • You learn about your layoff on CNN.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
  • You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
  • Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
  • You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
  • It's dark when you drive to and from work.
  • Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
  • Communication is something your group is having problems with.
  • You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.
  • Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.
  • Art involves a white board.
  • You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You might be a Redneck if ...
  • Your kids call your sister mom
  • The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  • You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  • Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
  • You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws:
  • You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
  • You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • Anyone in your family ever die right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
  • You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.
  • You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  • Your wife's hairdo was once mined by a ceiling fan.
  • You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
  • Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
  • You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
  • You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  • You take a six-pack cooler to church.
  • You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
  • The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  • You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
  • One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  • Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  • You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  • You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  • Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
  • You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
  • You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
  • Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
  • If you can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's forehead, and it works.
  • If you think the nutcracker is some thing you did off the high dive!
  • If you leave beer & pickled eggs for Santa.
  • If you have ever spelled some thing wrong you wrote out in Christmas lights.
  • If you go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect your sister.
  • If you carry a shotgun in the back seat of your truck!

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Real 911 calls ...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 26

"These activist judges are at it again. The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field." --Bill Maher

"Insiders are now saying that Hillary Clinton has had millions and millions of plastic surgery. They say she's so good-looking that actually, earlier today, her husband hit on her." --David Letterman

"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys!." --Amy Poehler

"According to the Census Bureau, earlier this month, the country's population hit 300 million. And Al Gore is blaming it on 'global humping.'" --David Letterman

"Many say that London has replaced New York City as the world's undisputed financial capital. Hear that terrorists? The world's undisputed financial capital is London." --Seth Meyers

"President Bush has authorized the building of a 700-mile fence. A 700-mile fence they're going to build between the United States and Mexico. And, he says ... he knows where we can get some cheap labor to build it. ... That's a pretty long fence. I'm thinking to myself, 'I just hope there's a way Halliburton can make some money off of this deal. It would be nice to throw something their way for a change." --David Letterman

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Nov 3 Humor Page