Humor Selections for November 13th, 2006

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More totally useless facts to impress bored friends
  • The most common name in the world is Mohammed
  • The name of the entire continents end with the same letter that they start with
  • The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue
  • There are two credit cards for every person in the United States
  • TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on one row of the keyboard
  • Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
  • You can't kill yourself by holding your breath
  • It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky
  • The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 (count out the answer)*
  • What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Answer - All invented by women
  • Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Answer - Honey
  • A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
  • A snail can sleep for three years
  • American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
  • Elephants are the only animals that can't jump
  • In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
  • On average, people fear spiders more than they do death
  • Shakespeare invented the words 'assassination' and 'bump'
  • Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand
  • An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
  • The electric chair was invented by a dentist
  • The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps it can squirt blood 30 feet
  • Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
  • Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times
  • The cigarette lighter was invented before the match
  • Most lipstick contains fish scales
  • Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Pet Truisms
  • A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
  • An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
  • Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
  • Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
  • Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
  • Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
  • Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
  • I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
  • I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant (CMSGT) from the local airfield walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the CMSGT, saying, "That'll be $5,000."

The CMSGT paid and left with the monkey. Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test, perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive-- $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a 'Maintenance Supervisor' monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$100,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and fart, but his papers say he's a pilot!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car ...

...  with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Also Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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