Humor Selections for March 13th, 2006

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In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind ...

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross into states such as Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska, the Tourism Councils in those states have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the states.

  • That slope-shouldered farm body did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
  • It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
  • We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi, we got over it.
  • Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you our women.
  • Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for - "bait".
  • Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.
  • If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
  • That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
  • No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
  • You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
  • So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use four weeks a year.
  • Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
  • Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
  • Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too - and turtle. Your really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
  • They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 69 goes two ways. State Road 24 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
  • The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
  • So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
  • Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
  • That Officer, be it Conservation Officer, sheriff deputy, city police, or highway patrol that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir".

Submitted by Jay, Melville, Lausanne

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Recent Quips from Late Night
  • The video tape that everybody is talking about this week is the one of President Bush ... being warned by federal disaster officials repeatedly the day before Katrina struck. They're constantly saying to him it's going to happen and he doesn't ask a single question. I think it's a shame the president's performance was too late for this year's Oscars because, usually when you play a retarded guy, you're going to win." --Bill Maher
  • Earlier today on his visit to Pakistan, President Bush mistakenly called Pakistan an Arab country instead of a Muslim country. Then he said, 'Good thing no one over here takes that stuff seriously'" --Conan O'Brien
  • We went through the files and found an old classic Bill Clinton in India joke. ... President Clinton is visiting India and today and he rode an elephant. I believe it's the biggest thing he's mounted that didn't get him impeached." --David Letterman
  • This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey
  • This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little black kid." --Amy Poehler
  • President Bush says Osama bin Laden actually helped him defeat John Kerry in the election. Too bad Bush can't find bin Laden to thank him personally." --Jay Leno
  • According to a new poll, only one in four Americans can name two of the five freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment. But more than half of Americans can name at least two of the characters on The Simpson's. Hey, if they ran the Constitution on TV eight times a day, we'd know it." --Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Conservationist

I was winding up me sundial
When a friend rang up to say
That a meeting was in progress
In the hall across the way.

So I donned me best blue singlet,
Ran the clothes brush through me hair
And strolled grandly to the meeting
Looking suave and debonair.

The wild-eyed speaker on the stage
Stamped and screeched and raved
About our dwindling forest lands,
How the trees must all be saved.

"Take heed, my friends!" he loudly cried,
"For our aim in life must be
To put our shoulders to the wheel
And save each single tree!"

He raged about our heritage -
All those trees we held in trust -
With such frenzied fire and brimstone
That it seemed he's surely bust.

"Now is there one amongst us here,"
He bawled with animation,
"Who truthfully can testify
They've aided conservation?"

Then up spoke Billy Cassidy,
A well-known ego-wrecker -
"I've done me bit. I once shot dead

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Au.

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A wife was rather taken by cars ...

..., and asked of her husband: "Could you buy me something that goes from 0 to 100 in less than 4 seconds"

With her birthday drawing near, her husband, as always, wanted to fulfill her wish. so he gave her the following ...

It is probable that he is now dead.

Submitted by Dave

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Hunting With Dick Chaney - take 2


Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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March 10th Humor Page